Nobody likes feeling worthless, but unfortunately most of us feel that way 90% of the time. There may be an occasional moment of satisfaction, where we look at ourselves and think, Hey I did pretty good with that… but for those who suffer from mental illness or just struggle with self worth in general, feeling good—or even just decent—about ourselves is one of life’s greatest battles.
I grew up in a home where we were rewarded and complimented for accomplishments and achievements. I began to think that I was only worth something if I got a certificate, a prize, or achieved a high grade for something. I was never complimented or noted for my strength of character, endurance, or hard work.
I hated the way I felt and I eventually began to hate myself—especially when I couldn’t meet the expectations of my father, family, or extended family. This is why it’s sooo important to know what self worth is in the first place. It is not some thing we gain when we have a certain look or achieve certain results. Self worth comes from strengthening our character, molding our hearts to become better and stronger than it was yesterday. It comes from living a fulfilling life of service. It also comes from knowing how to balance service and self care.
We begin to feel our worth as we develop better habits and balance our lives. We obtain rich satisfaction and inner peace just from serving others and serving ourselves, living an aloha life. When we reach this stage, we know our worth, and this influences our lives in beautiful and profound ways.
Here are some ways to get started in finding your self worth…
Get to know yourself
There are a lot of books and podcasts out there that say things like, When you feel down, just put your chin up and keep going… and I think to myself, that just doesn’t work! I mean, yes—you can psych yourself up and tell yourself over and over again that you’re ok BUT how will that help you?
To find your self worth, you need to look inside yourself. What are your strengths? What are your weaknesses? Why do you act the way you do? Are you being rational? If you said your thoughts out loud, do they have any validity? It’s hard to like yourself when you don’t even know who you are. Most times we are too hard on ourselves and need to say things out loud just to hear how absurd and exaggerated our thoughts are about ourselves.
Challenge your fears
It’s ok to be afraid sometimes. Fear is a normal feeling and everyone has fears. The key is to not let the fears take control. They can cripple you from reaching your true potential keeps you feeling pretty worthless.
Here’s a quick activity to try. Divide a sheet of paper into three columns. On the first column, write a list of your desires. They can be anything, from your smallest goals to your biggest dreams. In the second column, write the fears that come up when you think about those goals and dreams. In the third column, write a response to those fears. Are those fears valid? What can you do to challenge them? Sometimes just writing things out helps us realize how strong we are, and that it IS possible to achieve our dreams by overcoming those fears. (For more activities like this, check out my free mini course, 5 Hawaiian Days to Wellness!)
Serve others
You’ve probably heard this a million times but you find yourself when you lose yourself in service. Have you ever seen pictures of people going on Humanitarian trips? You can’t help but smile at their big cheesy smiles. They look so happy because they ARE happy, doing something that brings a deep satisfaction you can’t find anywhere else. When we learn how to serve and give of ourselves to others—and it doesn’t have to be a grand scale thing like a humanitarian trip—we learn to look beyond ourselves.
Maybe you’re already doing this and you feel burnt out and overwhelmed because you give and give and give, but you aren’t receiving the satisfaction that you feel you deserve. This is where balance comes in. There needs to be balance in service—definitely give all that you can, but make sure to take care of yourself too. The next tip will help with that.
Serve yourself
Yes, an occasional spa night and massage is definitely healthy for you. But I’m talking “serve yourself” on an even deeper, emotional, mental, and spiritual level. By all means please take care of your physical health, but also take care of the you that nobody can see—the thoughts, the ideas, the dreams… When you serve yourself, you listen to and take care of your own heart and mind.
You recognize negative thoughts and replace them with kind loving words. When I’m not at my best and I feel negative about myself, my husband reminds me, “You don’t say those kinds of things to other people, so why would you say those things to yourself?”
Just think about that. You wouldn’t tell your friend they’re so ugly, they’ll always be ugly, and they’ll never stop feeling ugly—you would NOT tell them that. So don’t tell yourself things like that. Recognize those negative and demeaning thoughts and replace them.
This takes time and practice, but once you start serving yourself too, you begin to realize how powerful your thoughts are and how they motivate you on deep level. You’ll begin to find that you don’t have to psych yourself out to do things because you already have the emotional and mental capacity to do so. You got this!
Look to God
Growing up I was never good enough for my own father. He compared my sisters and I to others girls and didn’t support us in our decisions. He always had “better” ideas and suggestions to our personal goals. He later became very abusive and all of his actions still affect us in many ways, one of which is the lack of self worth.
For the most part of my life, I felt pretty worthless. However, I had a saving grace: my faith in God. I knew that God was my Heavenly Father and because I knew that, I always looked to him. By understanding and getting to know God, I came to understand how a real father should act. I felt a lot of love from him and knew that no matter my mistakes, he loves me for who I am. I felt that, yes! he’s proud of my accomplishments but what is most important to him is the character and strength of my heart. Looking to God helped mend my heart, love myself, love others, and discover my worth.
These are some of the things I’ve found to be helpful on my journey of wellness and self worth. What are some things you have done to help increase your self worth?
Lots and lots of aloha,
Lei
P.S. For more ideas, take my FREE 5 Hawaiian Days to Wellness Mini Course! 🙂
