Have aloha for all, and that includes yourself! But how many times do you start putting yourself down, showing anything but love to your body and mind? How many times do you listen to that little voice in our head saying negative things about you? Things like, “Ugh you looked so stupid” or “Why would anyone want to go with you?” or “You’re pretty much worthless so stop trying.” They’re things we would never tell another person and yet we say these things to ourselves all the time. We put ourselves down, sometimes without even realizing it! 

Why do you put yourself down? 

So why do we do it? Sometimes we’ve learned negative beliefs from childhood or adolescence. Especially for those who have experienced abuse, neglect, or trauma in some way, we feel undeserving of love, of hope, and even other important things in life like a relationship with God, wealth, having basic needs met (food, shelter, clothes), healthy relationships, good health, etc. 

Sometimes we compare ourselves to others and assume things about ourselves and others, such as, “I’ll never be pretty enough to be popular” or “They’re just rich because their parents are rich.” We put limits on our abilities, circumstances, and resources based off of other people. “They’re doing it because they’re smarter, wealthier, prettier, etc than me.” And then the negative self talk spirals down from there. 

Why should you stop putting yourself down? 

If you’ve put yourself down almost all the time, life can feel miserable and depressing. Some of the kindest, warm-hearted, generous people I know just love others unconditionally, and yet they are hardest on themselves. I’m one of those people, and let’s just put it out there that putting yourself down is almost like an addiction or bad habit. It’s soooo hard to stop putting yourself down, but when you begin listening to your thoughts, processing, and reframing them, your heart starts to feel lighter. You feel more confident. Your relationships improve, and, may I add, especially your relationship with God. You realize that your worth is not based off a scale others put you on. Your worth is infinite, divine, and uniquely you. You were ALWAYS worth it, you just have to realize it. 

So here are 7 simple yet effective ways to stop putting yourself down. 

Listen to your thoughts 

The first thing is to listen. Do you hear the voices in your head? There are SO many saying things at the same time. “Do this, do that…” “Don’t talk to her because she doesn’t like you…” “You look awful today…” From the moment we wake up to the moment we fall asleep, we are constantly thinking, even if it’s just memorizing the list of things you need to do that day. Stop and listen to yourself. 

It’s so easy to get into the habit of negativity without even realizing it. How many times did you put yourself down during the day? One exercise to try is each time your thoughts say something negative to yourself, say at least 5 kind things about yourself. You might be surprised how many times you do this exercise throughout the day. My favorite technique is the following: reframe your thoughts/beliefs and ask yourself, “What does God think of me?” 

Reframe your thoughts + What does God think of you? 

Whenever I hear the negative voice in my head, I know it’s easy to get into the negative spiral downwards until I feel depressed, unmotivated, and pretty hopeless. Nobody seems to know about these silent battles, because they’re battles in our heads—and sometimes they manifest themselves in emotional/mental breakdowns, depression, etc. 

So instead of getting to that point of despair, try this. 1) Listen to your thoughts, truly process and evaluate what your thoughts are saying. 2) Recognize that most of the negative thoughts you’re thinking aren’t true—they’re usually exaggerations, built on years of self abuse, abuse from others, loss, grief, trauma, a negative past experience, etc. You can ask questions like: 

Are you exaggerating the negativity about yourself? Absolutely. 

Are you really ALWAYS going to make mistakes (or that same mistake)? Probably not, and if you did, it’s OK. We aren’t perfect and we make mistakes all the time. Just keep trying, you’ll get it. 

Are you REALLY worthless? No. 

Am I really that ugly? No. 

Ask yourself these kinds of questions, in response to your negative thoughts, and answer them from the eyes of someone who loves and cares about you deeply. For me, I try to picture how God would answer these questions. It helps me recognize my divine worth—that I am a his daughter, and, as such, I am royalty. I can wear a crown of love with elegance and grace. 

Have an attitude of gratitude 

Instead of writing a list of things you’re grateful for, why not just have an attitude of gratitude? Say a prayer of thanks for the little things. Thank your coworkers, spouse, and even strangers for the small things they do. 

Try to appreciate the little things, like the bed you sleep in, the food you eat, hot showers, and comfy clothes. There is SO much to be grateful for, and when we look outside ourselves to see it, our life is full of beauty and blessings. 

Don’t compare yourself with others 

Comparison is the thief of joy. How often do we find ourselves scrolling through social media, feeling like the people on there have the “perfect” lives? While here we are just trying to make ends meet or get through another day… Sometimes we compare ourselves to our neighbors, to people in our churches or community, or even to people in our families. 

When that starts to happen, it’s like a fog settles on your life. You start to see things as “not enough,” and then you start to see yourself as “not enough.” And here’s the thing. You ARE enough. God didn’t make you to be the spitting image of that girl on social media. He made you as YOU. Uniquely, beautifully, and divinely YOU. Your journey, your life, your style, your tastes, and your timing are not meant to be the same as others. Embrace the wonderful person you are, and the place you are in your life’s journey. 

Even if you aren’t where you want to be yet, and others seem to get there faster, learn to be happy for them. Sometimes that’s easier said than done, especially when you might think you’re more deserving of the life they have tan them… but when you just feel grateful for where you are and embrace your stage of life, the fog begins to lift. You can see clearly, and you can see that you are enough. You always were! 

Keep a journal 

As you listen to your thoughts and try different strategies to stop putting yourself down, record your experience. One day you’ll look back and feel deep gratitude for the journey that you went through to get where you want to be. And, who knows? Perhaps one day you’ll be able to share your journey and uplift others. 🙂 

Collect sunshine + positivity 

In Hawaii, I always loved finding the pockets of sunshine, especially during the rainy months of February and March. Whenever the sun would shine through the clouds, I’d just enjoy it. I loved it so much, and appreciated those little moments. Physically find those pockets of sunshine in your life, as they’ll remind you of the warmth and love God has for you. And then also collect sunshine + positivity from others. 

A wise teacher once told me, “Be friends with everyone, but choose your friends wisely.” The people you hang out with can have a huge impact on whether you put yourself down on or not. Choose those friends who are bright lights, who give sunshine. When you give and collect sunshine, your life is a bright light—for you and for others. 

Have aloha for all, including yourself 

It’s time to stop putting yourself down. Your life and journey are yours, and the more sunshine, love, and hope you put into your life, the happier you’ll be. You don’t have to travel to Hawaii to find happiness, you can create it right where you are. And even if you dream of going to Hawaii, know that it’s possible. Any of your dreams are possible. As you start applying these simple strategies to stop putting yourself down + start having more aloha for yourself, your mindset will change. As your mindset changes to gain more light and perspective, you’ll find yourself in Hawaii in no time! 

Sending aloha and joy on your journey, 

Lei 

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