If you feel bad or sad that you’re alone/single, I want to say it’s OK. As a young single adult growing up in Hawaii, I was totally ok with being single and alone. My parents had divorced and the idea of marriage seemed awful to me. However, when I moved to Utah a couple years later, there was a whole new culture exposed, and I began to feel that being single + alone was a bad thing. In fact, all my peers were getting married so young. I felt so out of place. Have you felt this way? 

To some (especially older generations), being single + alone is viewed as a bad thing. Without fail, family members would ask, “Are you dating?” at every event, reminding me of my marital status. I hadn’t cared about it up until living in Utah, and I had to give myself permission to be OK with being alone. In fact, I gave myself permission to be happy + celebrate this time of my life! 

So let’s just stick to the Hawaiian style, where everything is slower and we get to enjoy right where we are. Here are some ideas to help you be OK with being alone: 

Remove unrealistic expectations 

As a little girl, I thought my ideal life would be to graduate from college, serve a church mission, get my masters degree, write books, meet someone at age 27, date for a year (just to be sure), and get married at 28. Then I could have kids and yaddah yaddah after that. Well, by the age of 23 I started to feel antsy. It seemed like all my peers were getting married and having babies, and they were all somewhat younger than me (21, 20, etc). I wanted to find my dream guy, but it just wasn’t in the books. So… I removed the unrealistic expectations of the culture in Utah—I didn’t have to get married before 25, I didn’t even have to feel bad about it. I was on my journey. 

I’m so glad I changed my mindset, because I was able to take control of what I could: cleaning up the mess my dad left after my parents divorced, traveling to Hawaii, working, and then… when the timing was right, I met my to-be husband. 

There are so many unrealistic expectations that 1) we put on ourselves or 2) our parents put on us or 3) the culture/community/society puts on us or 4) all of the above. When you evaluate those expectations, they’re SO unrealistic. Know that you are on YOUR journey, and that YOU can set your expectations. You’re in control sister! 

Be grateful 

This is an obvious solution, but when you really just stop and see how far you’ve come, there’s so much to be grateful for. Living in mahalo is truly a happy way of life. Living mahalo also helps you recognize that this time of being alone is an amazing way to improve you and your character. It’s a time of life to appreciate you for YOU, and love the journey. 

Keep a journal

Record this time of your life, both the ups and the downs. Write lists of things that make you happy, and even things that make you sad. Write your feelings about being single, your dreams, and desires. Your journal is your personal space. It’s like talking to a trusted friend, which is so important when you don’t have a physical person there with you. 

Give yourself permission 

We’re all human, and we need to let our emotions out somehow. Give yourself permission to feel the emotions. It really is OK to feel sad at times, even discouraged or disappointed. When you’re alone and have nobody to talk to, it feels like there’s no outlet. But when you give yourself permission to just be and feel, you provide an outlet. So let yourself feel sad, but have a plan to boost your spirits. 

When I was alone and single, working my tail off to make ends meet, I wrote everything in my journal. It was an amazing relief, especially because I didn’t have very many friends or people to talk to (besides my coworkers and witchy supervisor). But I also HAD to give myself time to feel sad, or I’d explode. I gave myself permission to listen to a couple of few sad songs that resonated with me at the time, and then I had a plan for after: I’d get up, take a walk, create something, write in my journal, or call one of my sisters.  

Find joy in the journey 

Just enjoy this stage of your life. Look at the positives. Create opportunities from obstacles. Stop to smell the roses and enjoy the warmth of the sun on your skin. 

Keep improving yourself 

Being single is the perfect time to improve yourself. Before you step into a relationship or marriage, you have a time of life to begin becoming the best YOU. Of course, none of us are perfect, but the earlier you start on improving and strengthening your character, the better your life will be. You’re actually creating paradise NOW, instead of waiting for the right person to come along. You’re in control of your life. 

Trust God and his plan 

Now is a great time to start developing/strengthening your relationship with God. When I was alone/single, I learned so much about who I was… because of who I am to God. I recognized, on a deeper level, how much he loves me and that I’m never alone. I learned that his plan is better than mine, and I just need to trust him and the process. I know that being single/alone can really suck at times, but turn this obstacle into an opportunity. 

Do self care 

Nothing fancy, just something nice for yourself. Valentine’s Day seems to be a hard day for those without a significant other, but make an opportunity of it. Get something for yourself and/or even for a friend! 

Strengthen family ties 

Being single is actually super fun because you get to strengthen your relationship with your family—and when I say family, I mean, specifically, siblings. Siblings are gifts from God, no matter how annoying or stupid they can be. You spent your childhood and adolescence together—and now, as adults, you have SO much more freedom to have fun, explore, and make memories together. Strengthen those bonds because, you’ll learn, as you get older, your circle of acquaintances and friends fade away, but your siblings are always there. 

Keep a close group of friends 

You don’t have to have a gazillion friends, just one or a few. Friends can really help you find joy and adventure in life, big and small. It’s important for your health to get out and socialize, and when you’re with people you love and admire, it’s a win-win. As an introvert, I just did NOT want to get out, and if I did get out, I would have rather gone alone. But when I did push myself to go, I was always glad I did. Just remember… you don’t have to have tons of friends… just one or a few good friends will make such a huge difference and help you enjoy life. 

Find opportunities to serve 

You can gain a deep satisfaction in life by serving others. Being alone/single isn’t so bad when you have an opportunity to serve. Whether you serve quietly in your church, or volunteer in the community, you are making a difference—not just for others, but for yourself too. 

Be OK with being alone 

I’m sorry if people always ask you if you’re dating someone, or if your grandma/grandpa/aunts/uncles/parents pester you and try to find someone suitable for you. I’m so sorry if people are placing these unrealistic expectations on you. I once talked to a friend at my church about it and she literally started crying because she felt so bad that she was STILL SINGLE! But it’s OK! This is your journey, your life. It is unlike anyone else’s life. You have just as much value as any other woman, and your unique mission and purpose in this world is still there. You are enough—you always were! I hope you feel better about being alone. You are amazing. 

With love, 

Leialoha 

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