The Biggest Keys to Strengthen your Marriage

Whether you’re new a newlywed or married for years, you’ve probably learned that it’s vital to continually strengthen your marriage. As girls, we all dreamed of the “happily ever after” we saw in fairy tales. The romance, the magic, and the adventure thrilled us. As a girl, I adored the relationship between Aragorn and Arwen from Lord of the Rings. I always thought to myself, I want to be in love with someone the way Arwen is in love with Aragorn. The very fact that she would give up her long life for him was so romantic. I’m sure you can think of a movie couple that you absolutely adored, whether it was Elizabeth and Mr. Darcy or Buttercup and Wesley, the list could go on…  And then you found your love, the person you want to be with forever. The magical feelings of romance and love entered your life and when you met that special someone, dated, and then finally got married, you knew you were in for a wild adventure.  Marriage isn’t easy—it definitely has its ups and downs… but mostly ups. I’ve been married for almost 2 years now and while some people might say I’m too “young” and “inexperienced” to be giving marriage advice, I’ll tell you a little bit about me… My parents divorced when I was a young adult, but from years of watching them, I could see what things made them grow apart. I also grew up around too many unhappy couples. From observation and experience, I learned the keys that make marriages happy and strong.  I feel so blessed to have this knowledge and know that these tips will help you—sometimes the results can be immediate! Whether you’re still on Cloud nine in your marriage, in the mundane of life, or drifting apart, try these keys to strengthen your marriage. You can still have your “happily ever after”! 

Put God first 

God will help you in your efforts to strengthen your marriage–in fact, just focusing on him will build trust between you and your spouse.

A lot of marriage advice out there says to put your spouse first. Yes, this is important to strengthen your marriage, but when you and your spouse put Christ in the center of your hearts and marriage, life is so much easier. I’ve found that when I focus on Christ, it’s easier to focus on what my husband needs.  In fact, I’m a kinder and more patient person when I focus on Christ. This is because Christ inspires us to do and be better. We also hold tight to the same standards of morality and conduct. We avoid doing things that would compromise our relationship with God—and that strengthens our trust and relationship with one another.  Of course I must add a word of warning with this: There is balance in all things. Putting God first doesn’t mean twisting spiritual truths or manipulation to get what you want. Let me illustrate: I knew a couple that began to drift from one another because one spouse became so involved in “deep doctrine” and did not share his thoughts or learning with his wife. He then used his “spiritual truths” to manipulate and twist things to his gain. So moral of the story: Put God first but don’t use it as an excuse or crutch to NOT take responsibility for your actions. 

Make your marriage and time together a priority 

Even when you have so little time together, you can strengthen your marriage with small, daily actions of love.

When was the last time you held your spouse’s hand? I have a difficult time sleeping in general, but it’s always so comforting when my husband takes my hand, even when he’s not even awake. In public spaces or at home, we hold hands. It’s such a small thing but makes a huge difference. And this is just a small example of the second key, which is to make your marriage and time together a priority.  With our busy schedules, we usually have only a couple of hours before bed together. These few hours are so valuable! Whether you are a full-time mom or full-time employee, treasure those few moments. These moments are vital to strengthen your marriage. I’l be honest… sometimes those moments are filled with us resolving issues or talking about our relationship, but that also helps strengthen your marriage. One thing I’ve noticed with unhappy couples is that they live in the same house, sleep in the same house, eat in the same house… but they don’t spend quality time together, and, more importantly, they don’t communicate. 

Don’t let your marriage fade away…

I’ve seen marriages turn mundane—the conversations going from deep thoughts and ideas to the daily tasks and schedules. It’s almost like a relationship journal turned into a relationship logbook.  Use those precious moments you have together to ask your spouse, “How are you doing today?” Each day brings new emotions and experiences, so be specific and genuine in your communication.  Also find little ways to show that your marriage is a priority: holding hands, leaving notes, smiling, doing an act of service, etc…  Here are more ideas to create more unity in your marriage: Lokahi: 10 Ways to Be More United

Improving yourself + the control factor 

It’s a hard truth, but YOU have more control over things than you realize, starting with yourself…

I’ve known couples where the wife is the sweetest person EVER and the husband is nice too but spends most of his time working or playing games. This is so difficult and heartbreaking for me to see because I truly want every woman to have her happily ever after. For situations when the husband is “too busy” to pay attention to his wife and their relationship (this can be on a minor or severe scale), there’s something you have to know… 

So here is the truth: You can’t control your spouse. You can only control you. 

I know that it’s hard to hear that sometimes. Some wives boss their husbands around until they get things done, some wives nag and complain, and some wives gossip about their husbands to their friends… these things eat away at marriage until the marriage is left in pieces.  Communication in the relationship is key to strengthen the marriage. Express to your spouse the things you’re struggling with and how they can help. If you’re not sure how they can help, ask if they’d be willing to listen—and then help them listen.  Know that you can only change you. I remember having this realization at a young age. My parents were neglectful sometimes, and that hurt a lot. Whenever I completed a creative project or wrote something I thought was impressive, they’d dismiss it. I’d feel completely worthless, rejected, and neglected. But then I realized something—I could decide how to feel. They couldn’t “make” me feel a certain way—surely my reactions and feelings were natural but I didn’t have to let those feelings linger. I could appreciate my own efforts and move forward, excelling in my writing and creative skills. This is a skill that helped me throughout my entire life, and even in marriage.  Sometimes your spouse may not always recognize your efforts and our natural reactions, especially as empaths and women, is to feel rejected, neglected in some way. Acknowledge your natural reactions but recognize what you can control. Could you communicate with your spouse and let them know how their actions made you feel? Could you continue to move forward? Control what you can and trust in God to help you know what to do. 

Your Happily Ever After

Marriage truly is such a gift. It takes work, but that work is so rewarding. I’ve admired couples from afar as they’ve gone through hardships together, built their faith together, and reached their goals and dreams together.  With the inspiring examples in my life and faith in God, I know every girl can have her happily ever after. It’s totally possible for you sister. In the comments below, feel free to share some things you’ve done to strengthen your marriage!  With love,  Lei 

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