Knowing when to Let Go or Say No

by Leialoha | Aug 9, 2019

We all have those people in our lives who we absolutely love, but they can’t seem to progress in life. Feeling sorry for them, we listen because it feels like one bad thing after the next happens to them. Sometimes we offer counsel, cry with them, empathize with, and feel their pain. Sometimes, we might even honestly think: Maybe this is too much for me… Maybe I need to let go or say no.

But we feel sorry for them, as they just never seem to overcome their obstacles. Soon, we realize that we’re falling back and dragging behind with them. We dread the exhaustion that comes after hanging out with them. 

For those of us with depression, anxiety, or mental illness, we know that it truly helps to have a listening ear and empathizing heart. We treat others with kindness, love, and empathy because that’s what we find helpful in our situations. Also, sometimes, we know that there aren’t always people available to us, so we try to be as available as possible to others fighting their own demons. 

However, there are limits to this. 

When it gets to the point where our “friends” start to drag us down by making the same mistakes, not trying new things, or being negative all the time… it’s time to let go or say no. 

These are two approaches you can take with relationships in your life. I’ll admit that both of these approaches are difficult at first–especially since we naturally want to help–but it’s totally worth it. Learning to balance and respect yourself comes with its benefits. Here are two ways to know when to let go or say no, and how to do it. 

Let Go 

You know those people who abuse others—it doesn’t even have to be physical, verbal, or emotional. It can be abusive of other peoples’ time and resources. As an example, I once knew a nice girl with plenty of problems: health wise, financially, and romantically. She just struggled in these things so much, that after a long time of listening, empathizing, and offering advice, I realized that the things I said went in one ear and went out the other. 

I constantly built her up, encouraged her confidence, and gave her some pretty good life and dating advice. However, she never changed. She kept doing the same things, expecting different results. 

“Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”

-Albert Einstein

Because of her unwillingness to progress and change, staying in her murky water of negativity and laziness, I was going insane. I genuinely wanted to help her, but she just refused to change. Our visits became a daily dose of complaints and rants of how the world had totally mistreated her. 

This absolutely killed me inside. No matter what I did or said, she made a choice to stump her progression. I couldn’t do it anymore. 

I had to let go. 

Can you think of a similar relationship? Is there someone who drags you down by abusing something of yours? 

Letting go is easier in some situations than others. If you’ve been in an abusive relationship and feel tied to it, 

Remember that by letting them rely on you, you’re creating a crutch for them. By letting them abuse and use you, you’re stopping their progression and your own. #toughlove but it’s true. They need to learn positive self reliance, and they won’t learn that by relying on you. Let go.

How do you let go?

Sometimes you can tell the person you’re taking a break, you can just cut all ties (I suggest doing this in really abusive situations), or visiting less frequently. It looks different for every relationship, but I encourage you to feel what might be the best thing.

Don’t stress too much about it though, because, honestly, you probably know deep down inside what’s the best thing to do. Sometimes you’ll realize that letting go might not be best–because you have such a good relationship–so you can set boundaries and say no (read on for more info on that ;)).

Say No

This alternative method differs from letting go because you still keep in contact with the people you say no to. You preserve the relationship, however, you set boundaries. For example, I had a friend who suffered from severe depression and anxiety. As in the previous example, and as an empath, I naturally wanted to help her and I started helping too much—yes, there’s such a thing. 

I know I’m not the only one who has this personal flaw/weakness. Many people with mental illnesses possess this trait because we’re in so much pain. If we can alleviate someone else’s suffering, deep down we hope it will alleviate our own pain. This is true, as service brings rich and satisfying feelings. However, it’s not true when we go too far, letting other people rely on us for everything. 

In this case, I gave so much of my time and energy, something very emotionally draining for me, as someone with depression and an introvert. This woman had financial and family problems that never seemed to end. She never asked for money, but she asked for constant advice and sometimes even yelled when she was mad. I could hardly stand the angry vibes. Even though she wasn’t yelling at me, she looked directly at me, in total disbelief of her situation, and I always felt like she was, indeed, yelling at me. I left our visits totally drained and a little upset. 

After a while of this, I knew I had to say no. She was such a nice person and someone I wanted to keep a relationship with, but there were just certain things she did that I couldn’t handle. With some (or all–depends on who you are and your situation) people, we need boundaries. 

With her, I had to allow myself to say no. For the longest time, I felt obligated to visit, to listen, to stop by whenever I received the text, “Are you home?” but then I gave my permission to say no. Even if I was available, I didn’t have to respond to her perceived crisis (because she had plenty of them). 

I gave myself permission to set boundaries and say YES to things when I felt comfortable, rejuvenated enough, and emotionally well. I didn’t have to do certain things when I didn’t feel well. 

These were the boundaries I set for myself. I didn’t tell her about my decisions to “say no” to her constant requests—as most counselors and therapists might suggest—I just made a very conscious decision and stuck with it. She caught on. 

If you feel the need to tell people your boundaries, that’s totally ok. Personally, I feel most comfortable giving myself permission to set boundaries and sticking to them, saying no to people and things when it doesn’t feel right to me. This allows me to keep my friends but not force myself to do things I don’t feel good doing. Doing this gave me a lot of freedom and permission to take control of my circumstances. 

Conclusion: Let go or say no

I hope you’ve been able to identify some of your relationships that lack the positivity, goodness, and energy you need. Of course everyone has their bad days, but be aware of what you can and can’t handle, and be ok with it too. 

If you are looking to improve your overall wellness, check out my FREE 5 Hawaiian days to wellness class. You will find more strategies for improving your overall wellness and daily happiness. You got this! 

With joy and aloha, 

Lei