Probably one of the hardest things about a family falling apart is not being able to talk to anybody about it. Our breaking family may be the only thing on our mind, but when others ask, “How are you doing?” we might respond with, “I’m fine, thanks.” Deep inside, however, we feel like we’re falling apart because our families are falling apart.
Daily activities might feel exhausting because our brain are overwhelmed by the grief going on in our family.
So what do we do in these situations? When it feels like our whole world is crumbling down? Whether mom and dad are getting a divorce, a sibling is choosing a path that breaks your heart, when extended or immediate family starts to get toxic and abusive, or any other difficult family situation, how can we survive? How can we even feel joy during these times?
I’m here to share with you that there is hope. Even in the darkest of times, we can find strength, increase our faith, and discover the light that’s always deep within us.
My story: “My family is falling apart”
Before I jump into the tips, let me backtrack for just a second. My parents divorced when I was in college, so I was a little older and could process things better than a child or teenager. However, the process of the divorce was slow, ugly, and incredibly painful, like many of my readers may be experiencing. Manipulation turned into abuse. I felt trapped by poverty and the situation. Depression crept in as I felt the loneliest I’d been in my whole life. When the divorce was finalized and the abusive family member moved out, it felt like a rope around my neck had been loosened.
Now, years later, I look back at that time and ask, “How did I get through? How did I survive?”
Somehow, as my family fell apart, I managed to keep strong faith in God, work hard and thrive at school, make and earn tons of money, and reach so many of my goals. Somehow, I managed to get through stronger, tougher, yet more compassionate and kinder.
So what does this mean for you? I realize that if I could get through all that darkness, especially when it involved the most important people in my life, then you can too. Despite your circumstances, you have all you need inside you right now to get through this, to stay strong as your family falls apart. I’m sorry this is happening to you, and my heart aches for what you’re experiencing, but I can say with confidence that you can do this. God’s hand is outstretched and ready to help, and you are stronger than you ever imagined.
And please remember… your journey is what you make of it, even when your family is falling apart
Your journey will include finding true friends, processing and healing, creating meaningful relationships (including those with family members), trusting in God, and creating JOY right where you are.
The following tips will help you start from the inside out. We can’t always change our circumstances, but we can change ourselves. What happens inside of us is more important than what happens outside.
So how do you keep it together when your family is falling apart? How do you keep yourself mentally healthy and strong? From this article, I hope you gain the strength and confidence you need to take care of yourself, even when your world is falling apart.
Because, the truth is… you ARE strong, and you WILL get through this.
Seek help
First of all, if you are in danger or have been sexually or physically abused, get help from local authorities, church leaders, and/or trusted friends. If you’ve been threatened not to tell anyone, know that you have the courage within you to get help. The results that come from getting help will be far greater than sticking it out—because you don’t need to stick it out.
I know it might be hard to talk to others outside of the family. It might feel like you’re exposing some secret, or that an abuser in the household might hurt you because of it. But sometimes you don’t know the severity of our situations until you talk to someone about it.
Find someone that you can 100% trust and tell them what’s going on. Sometimes they’ll provide insights that you hadn’t previously thought of. Or sometimes they’ll give you the courage to seek help from authorities or others. Someone you can trust could be a best friend, teachers, mentors, counselors, and even doctors. Use your best judgment to determine who to trust with your information.
Be careful to avoid those who gossip and/or speak negatively about others (if someone tells you something negative about another person, they’re probably talking about you behind your back too). Those who gossip will only worsen the situation, and you don’t need that negativity in your life.
Talk to your siblings or other family members
Sometimes divorce or touchy subjects can divide a family. They create opposing views between family members, making the situation even worse. But please try to find private moments to speak with a trusted sibling or parent. It helps to have someone on the same team as you.
When stuff happens in the home, it can feel suffocating and claustrophobic–both physically and emotionally. Finding a quiet time and space to speak with a trusted family member can help release those emotions. You’re both going through this together, and, when you talk about it, you realize you’re not alone.
It doesn’t solve the solution all the time, but it helps your mental health to have some kind of emotional release.
Sometimes speaking with family members unites people. It can help them come up with solutions together. Speaking to your trusted family members in privacy can change the dynamics in your relationship. You will learn to trust your siblings (or parents) and unite together, standing strong even if the rest of your family is falling apart.
Let this trial bring you together
While the whole situation is devastating, allow yourself to look at what you can control: You can be kind to family members, talk to them, and even understand their point of view. Instead of letting the action of a family member pull everyone down, use this as an opportunity to pull the rest of your family together.
On the flip side, sometimes talking to family members causes more conflict
Sometimes speaking to a family member may cause us to feel more angry, tired, or upset, especially when our opinion differs from their opinion. Please understand that you need not fix everything right now. Sometimes our family members need space and time to process their own emotions, and figure out their own views on everything. Give them their space and, if there are no family members to talk to, remember that God always listens. Seek him in prayer and scripture study, and the answers you seek will come to you.
Write in a journal
Probably the biggest and most obvious pain point of a family that is falling apart is that you don’t have any control over the situation. You can’t control the agency of others, but you can control yourself.
Writing in a journal gives you control. It helps you process and gain clarity on the things in your life that you can control, such as your faith, your desire to be free of this situation, and your willpower to get through.
Through writing, you recognize your true desires, and that helps you use your imagination and creativity. When you’re stuck in the middle of a bad family situation, you might feel like all your hopes and dreams have been crushed.
But that’s simply not true. You can TOTALLY still reach your dreams! Journaling helps you to cope with the negative emotions–it puts all those emotions in a safe place, free from judgment and prying.
Journaling also helps you cope with the dark stuff. Write about your true, dark emotions–how low you feel, how angry the situation makes you–and then let it go. Doing so helps you see that your life won’t always be this way. You won’t always feel trapped or alone. Journaling is your escape.
Later in life I burned all of my journals in a bonfire, which was also very therapeutic. It was the final release of all those negative and dark emotions, a time in my life that I needed words on a page to relieve the words in my heart. I hope journaling can give you that relief too.
Reach out to God
A broken family and the misery that comes with it can you make you feel like God has abandoned you. For a while, I felt like God was mad at me, and this was my punishment for something I did wrong. But the truth is that I did nothing wrong, and God wasn’t punishing me. He allowed this to happen because every person has agency, including abusive or hurtful family members. I learned so much about the power of choice from my family, and I know you can too.
You might feel like God has left you all alone. Or you might feel punished for something you can’t fix. Another common plight involves feeling unworthy or having “too many problems” to get help. But please know that isn’t true. You are never too far to reach out to God. He is always there.
Looking back, I can see how he was always there—protecting me and providing tender mercies.
He is always there. If you haven’t prayed in a while, now is the best time to start. I know that once I started reaching out to a power greater than my own, I felt more strength and comfort than I thought I ever deserved. This gave me great confidence in moving forward.
If you just feel like giving up, think about the hope that the future holds. Give yourself 100% permission to dream big and set goals, because situations of unhappiness and brokenness will push and motivate you harder and further than you EVER imagined. Some of the most successful people have started with nothing, but their stories are inspiring.
For me, I really wanted to serve an 18-month church mission and graduate from college in 3 years. I had my timeline set out perfectly so I could one day be a writer and just have a functioning home (that was my big dream—running water and electricity). At the start of my college life, I was sick of the abuse at home, so I did something about it: I got a job. And then I eventually got two more jobs.
I worked 3 jobs while earning the max number of college credits per semester. Then I volunteered at my church and worked closely with my professors to keep myself on track. In the middle of all of this, I won awards and scholarships– which I used to better take care of myself and save for the future. I participated in the English club on campus and I worked out every. single. day.
It won’t be easy, but it will be worth it
Can you see the push? Firstly, I overbooked myself so I was never at home. That meant less time around the toxic family situation. Secondly, working towards my goals gave me purpose and, more importantly, hope. Hope! It is such a beautiful and high-energy word.
If you write goals and stay laser focused on them, you can do it. They will give you the hope and the elevation you need to rise above your circumstances. YOU are taking the steps to control your life.
By staying laser focused on my goals, I was totally able to earn my bachelor’s degree in 3 years, and serve an 18 month church mission in the Philippines. I was so proud of myself! I did all of that with my own laser focus, and help from God. No matter how big your goals and dreams are, you CAN do it!
If I can offer one last word of advice to you as your family is falling apart, it would be to keep your spirit and body healthy and strong. It’s ok to listen to sad music when you feel sad. I actually allowed myself to listen to one or two sad songs but I had to follow those up with some happier and more upbeat songs. Your spirit needs nourishment just as much as your body. You need to acknowledge the pain and validate it, especially if there isn’t someone there to validate you.
However, if I can influence you with all of the good intentions and energy in my heart… please don’t resort to drugs or alcohol. Don’t resort to binge-watching shows or playing video games. And please don’t resort to watching things like pornography. While these “seemingly harmless” forms of entertainment promise you immediate relief and escape, they will entice you until you have formed addictive habits.
Please take care of yourself. It’s ok to grieve and to feel sad for a moment, but please also feed your soul. You are much stronger than the circumstances around you. If you find that you’ve dug yourself into the hole of addiction, please seek help. There are great resources out there to help you overcome this addiction.
Even when your family is falling apart, even when you feel broken, there is always hope.
Create paradise where you are
The last tip is to create paradise where you are. I grew up in Hawaii but lived in poverty, experienced abuse, and had a lot of trauma from it. It doesn’t matter where you live, or what circumstances you’re in… it’s up to YOU to create your paradise.
I’ve added a brief list of Hawaiian values that can help you create paradise where you are. Check out just a few of the many below:
I want to end by sending you lots of aloha and good vibes. If you are looking for additional ways to raise your vibe and live an aloha life—a life of wellness—please consider taking my free 5 Hawaiian Days to Wellness Mini Course.
I hope these tips helped! If you think of any other helpful tips, please comment below as it will help others on their journey!
A sea turtle has an alluring presence. Slow and steady, it glides through the water, rising occasionally for a breath of air. There is a quiet grace to the sea turtle’s slowness, and a friendliness that surpasses human understanding. Its large eyes look like they hold the wisdom of a thousand years.
Being from Hawaii, I’ve had a lot of experience with sea turtles. During my times of grieving and times of joy, I would go to the beach and sure enough, a sea turtle would poke up its cute little head to say hello.
I believe you can learn much from sea turtles, and especially if you feel a special connection to them. Here are some lessons I’ve learned from the sea turtles in my life.
Life isn’t always fair. Baby turtles have to literally dig themselves out of the holes that their mothers buried them in. They have to trek to the ocean in the hopes that they will survive the attacks from other animals and make it in general. Sometimes we experience challenges caused by other people. However, if we ho’omau, push forward, with a hope for the future, we will make it!
Make time for the beach.
Sea turtles rest at the beach after their long journeys through the water. I’ve been fortunate to see many sea turtles stop by and rest at the beach. I learned that if we don’t make time to rest and refresh, we could drown in our own seas of life.
Slow down.
Sea turtles move slow and steady. We can learn a lot about slowing down from them, especially when we have crazy work schedules and lives. In the fast-paced world we live in, it’s easy to get caught up in the “thick of thin” things. Slowing down has helped me recognize the things that matter most. Slowing down has truly helped me live a more aloha life.
Come out of your shell.
Unlike certain land turtles, sea turtles are almost always out of their shells. They don’t seem to mind the tourists crowding around, eager to take pictures.
I don’t think we need to endure the paparazzi of others like a sea turtle, but I do feel that we should reach out. As we choose a life of service, we find a deep satisfaction that can’t be found anywhere else.
Age gracefully.
I remember a certain turtle named Koa. He had a huge dent in his shell, probably the result of a boat propeller or perhaps he had once been dashed against the rocks. However, he still looked so beautiful, and he still went about his daily activities with the same grace as the other turtles.
Radar, who is pictured above, is probably one of the biggest turtles I’ve known. She has a very distinct white patch on her back–a result of the UH-Hilo Marine Biology program. She wears it with grace.
After seeing all different kinds of sea turtles, I came to realize that every sea turtle has a personal history. Similarly, every person has a history–but every person chooses what to do with that history. We can live our lives bitter about all the scars of the past, or we can learn from them and keep pressing forward with hope.
Life is better with a good friend.
Sea turtles can usually be found swimming alone, but occasionally you might find one with a little sea turtle friend. While many people might say life is easier when done alone, I say we need other people. We gain rich satisfaction from healthy relationships and being in lokahi, unity, with our loved ones.
Enjoy the views.
Whether the sea turtles travel with or without friends, they have beautiful views of the ocean, the sky, and the waves. To some, these views may seem mundane, but the turtles don’t ever seem to mind. They didn’t ever seem to mind seeing me at the beach everyday either.
This taught me to just enjoy where you’re at, whether you’re at work or at home. Enjoy the place in your life, even if it’s the same thing. If you are working towards a dream or goal, go for it–yet still enjoy the process and journey!
Pin this for later!
Do you love sea turtles and want to help protect them?
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If you want to get your own bracelet, or, even better, gift a bracelet to a turtle loving friend, check out Fahlo. Use my code LEIALOHA20 to get 20% off your order!
Nobody likes feeling worthless, but unfortunately most of us feel that way 90% of the time. There may be an occasional moment of satisfaction, where we look at ourselves and think, Hey I did pretty good with that… but for those who suffer from mental illness or just struggle with self worth in general, feeling good—or even just decent—about ourselves is one of life’s greatest battles.
I grew up in a home where we were rewarded and complimented for accomplishments and achievements. I began to think that I was only worth something if I got a certificate, a prize, or achieved a high grade for something. I was never complimented or noted for my strength of character, endurance, or hard work.
I hated the way I felt and I eventually began to hate myself—especially when I couldn’t meet the expectations of my father, family, or extended family. This is why it’s sooo important to know what self worth is in the first place. It is not some thing we gain when we have a certain look or achieve certain results. Self worth comes from strengthening our character, molding our hearts to become better and stronger than it was yesterday. It comes from living a fulfilling life of service. It also comes from knowing how to balance service and self care.
We begin to feel our worth as we develop better habits and balance our lives. We obtain rich satisfaction and inner peace just from serving others and serving ourselves, living an aloha life. When we reach this stage, we know our worth, and this influences our lives in beautiful and profound ways.
Here are some ways to get started in finding your self worth…
Get to know yourself
There are a lot of books and podcasts out there that say things like, When you feel down, just put your chin up and keep going… and I think to myself, that just doesn’t work! I mean, yes—you can psych yourself up and tell yourself over and over again that you’re ok BUT how will that help you?
To find your self worth, you need to look inside yourself. What are your strengths? What are your weaknesses? Why do you act the way you do? Are you being rational? If you said your thoughts out loud, do they have any validity? It’s hard to like yourself when you don’t even know who you are. Most times we are too hard on ourselves and need to say things out loud just to hear how absurd and exaggerated our thoughts are about ourselves.
Challenge your fears
It’s ok to be afraid sometimes. Fear is a normal feeling and everyone has fears. The key is to not let the fears take control. They can cripple you from reaching your true potential keeps you feeling pretty worthless.
Here’s a quick activity to try. Divide a sheet of paper into three columns. On the first column, write a list of your desires. They can be anything, from your smallest goals to your biggest dreams. In the second column, write the fears that come up when you think about those goals and dreams. In the third column, write a response to those fears. Are those fears valid? What can you do to challenge them? Sometimes just writing things out helps us realize how strong we are, and that it IS possible to achieve our dreams by overcoming those fears. (For more activities like this, check out my free mini course, 5 Hawaiian Days to Wellness!)
Serve others
You’ve probably heard this a million times but you find yourself when you lose yourself in service. Have you ever seen pictures of people going on Humanitarian trips? You can’t help but smile at their big cheesy smiles. They look so happy because they ARE happy, doing something that brings a deep satisfaction you can’t find anywhere else. When we learn how to serve and give of ourselves to others—and it doesn’t have to be a grand scale thing like a humanitarian trip—we learn to look beyond ourselves.
Maybe you’re already doing this and you feel burnt out and overwhelmed because you give and give and give, but you aren’t receiving the satisfaction that you feel you deserve. This is where balance comes in. There needs to be balance in service—definitely give all that you can, but make sure to take care of yourself too. The next tip will help with that.
Serve yourself
Yes, an occasional spa night and massage is definitely healthy for you. But I’m talking “serve yourself” on an even deeper, emotional, mental, and spiritual level. By all means please take care of your physical health, but also take care of the you that nobody can see—the thoughts, the ideas, the dreams… When you serve yourself, you listen to and take care of your own heart and mind.
You recognize negative thoughts and replace them with kind loving words. When I’m not at my best and I feel negative about myself, my husband reminds me, “You don’t say those kinds of things to other people, so why would you say those things to yourself?”
Just think about that. You wouldn’t tell your friend they’re so ugly, they’ll always be ugly, and they’ll never stop feeling ugly—you would NOT tell them that. So don’t tell yourself things like that. Recognize those negative and demeaning thoughts and replace them.
This takes time and practice, but once you start serving yourself too, you begin to realize how powerful your thoughts are and how they motivate you on deep level. You’ll begin to find that you don’t have to psych yourself out to do things because you already have the emotional and mental capacity to do so. You got this!
Look to God
Growing up I was never good enough for my own father. He compared my sisters and I to others girls and didn’t support us in our decisions. He always had “better” ideas and suggestions to our personal goals. He later became very abusive and all of his actions still affect us in many ways, one of which is the lack of self worth.
For the most part of my life, I felt pretty worthless. However, I had a saving grace: my faith in God. I knew that God was my Heavenly Father and because I knew that, I always looked to him. By understanding and getting to know God, I came to understand how a real father should act. I felt a lot of love from him and knew that no matter my mistakes, he loves me for who I am. I felt that, yes! he’s proud of my accomplishments but what is most important to him is the character and strength of my heart. Looking to God helped mend my heart, love myself, love others, and discover my worth.
These are some of the things I’ve found to be helpful on my journey of wellness and self worth. What are some things you have done to help increase your self worth?
We all know toxic people: the ones who make your anxiety raise sky high, and who leave you feeling depressed in the lowest of lows.
Toxic people come in all shapes and sizes but the underlying similarity between them all is that they are narcissistic. That basically means that they are obsessed with themselves, preying on the generosity and weaknesses of others to build themselves up. They hide their own insecurities and weaknesses by pointing out the flaws of others, and they are never sorry about it.
They abuse others, whether it be verbally, mentally, spiritually, sexually, or physically as a way to cover or satisfy their weaknesses.
Whether the toxic person in your life is a family member, an acquaintance, or even a coworker, understand it isn’t YOU that is the problem, and there are ways to deal with them. YOU need to stay sane and take care of yourself, and so here are 5 tips for dealing with constantly toxic people.
Understand that YOU aren’t the problem
Toxic people reflect their own insecurities and problems by bullying and manipulating others. Because they choose to have no control of their own problems, they try to control others. YOU are not the problem.
As an empath, I’ve felt the pain of toxic people, and I’m very susceptible to them because I naturally want to help. Empaths and narcissists are the worst combination because of this reason, so understand that you can only help so much. And, sometimes, you can’t help at all. My mantra is to love everyone, but choose your friends.
Set boundaries with toxic people
Probably one of the best pieces of advice I’d ever given to myself was to set boundaries (bolded because I cannot stress this enough). My dad has a toxic personality—although, he doesn’t come off that way to people (most toxic people don’t come off as toxic until you get to know them).
I tried to reach out to my dad every once in a while but our conversations and interactions left me feeling drained, crazy, and out of control—mostly because he would take control of the situation and manipulate and criticize.
Recognize that you don’t need that. If you can only handle a once-a-year contact or you can only handle a text or email, that’s OK. YOU set your boundaries of what you can handle, NOT them. Express to them the importance of these boundaries to you.
Get help
If you are in a very bad situation, please, please, please get help! Physical and sexual abuse are two of the most common kinds of abuse that people silently suffer alone. Please seek help from local authorities, church leaders, or close friends.
To those who are being abused verbally, mentally, or spiritually please seek help from others as well. There are many wonderful therapists and counselors to help you get through the trauma caused by the abuse.
Avoid contact, if at all possible, with toxic people
If this is an option and you need a break, please do it. My sisters have toxic in-laws and, as such, the in-laws are constantly reaching out, wanting to know every itty-bitty detail of their lives so they can criticize and control.
You DON’T have to deal with it. I will say this again: they are reflecting their own insecurities. Because they have no control over themselves, they seek control over others. They do NOT control you, and they don’t control how much you can handle either.
Bottom line: set boundaries and limit contact. It’s really hard to do this, especially for those of us soft-hearted people who hate confrontations. But you need to let them know how often you’d like to be contacted. Another option is telling them that YOU will reach out when YOU are ready.
Stand up for yourself
This is probably one of the hardest things you’ll have to do, especially if you have a quiet personality like myself. However, there was a time that I was backed into the corner and I snapped back—I came back aggressive, mad, and just plain tired of abuse. It was in that moment I recognized my own courage.
You don’t have to wait until someone backs you into a corner for you to gather courage. Do it now by setting your boundaries or getting help. In common toxic situations, it might worsen the situation for you to share your feelings—it leaves you feeling vulnerable, and it gives the toxic person more “ammo” to use against you.
What I’ve found best is standing up for yourself in situations you don’t agree with or aren’t comfortable with: for example, a toxic person might apologize and say “let’s just move on” when you’re not ready for that. You have 100% the option to say that no, you’re not ready and building the relationship will take time.
Giving into toxic personalities and always agreeing with them may end the conversation, but it also leaves you feeling helpless and dominated/manipulated by the toxic person. Give yourself permission to stand up for yourself and say no to toxic personalities.
Forgive, but don’t forget
Jesus Christ taught us to forgive everyone, but for those of us who have dealt with toxic personalities, the memories will never fade away. The reason for this is that the memories remind us what happened the last time we gave in to the toxic person. Memories can also be a form of ptsd or cptsd from the trauma.
In a sense, the memories protect us. They remind us not to trust that person—ever. They remind us how much it hurt us to cave in again and again.
Forgiveness, however, helps us to move forward. It helps us to let go of the anger we feel towards someone. It helps us to truly, genuinely be kind to the toxic people–not harboring any of the ill feelings we have towards them–but forgiveness doesn’t mean we need to be their best friend and hang out with them.
Forgive the toxic people, but don’t forget what happened to you the last time you gave into a toxic person. Use your experience as a way to grow and build confidence to deal with other toxic people that may enter your life.
You can do this!
I want to end by giving you some encouragement. In Hawaii we say e ho’omau! Which basically translates to move forward and endure well. You totally got this. For most of us, dealing with toxic people is difficult and might not get any easier. The key, however, is to deal with grace, wisdom, and forgiveness, taking care of yourself while still showing kindness. It’s definitely easier said than done, but you can do it, I know you can.
Do you have any additional tips for dealing with toxic people? Share your ideas in the comment section below! 🙂
Pronounced “Ho – o – mana- va – nu – “, this long but beautiful Hawaiian word means patience, long-suffering, and endurance. Have you ever met someone who is going through a trial—maybe a toxic relationship or care taking or even babysitting—who endures well? They receive verbal or emotional attacks, or they might be overwhelmed or fatigued in some way, but despite their challenges, they have the strength of character to be gracious, courageous, and humble?
This is ho’omanawanui. Those who live ho’omanawanui endure their trials well, knowing that they have control over their own emotions. They consciously choose how to act, instead of reacting to the situation.
This is a powerful skill to possess, especially in times of confrontation or pressure. Ho’omanawanui comes from deep within, prompting a person to choose calmness and control as opposed to chaos and anger. They persevere through their trials and challenges—even cheerfully—knowing that they will pass. They can look back with pride at their resilience and their kindness, all fruits of their patience.
Patience is not just a virtue, it is a choice: a choice of how to treat others and self, and a choice of acting instead of re-acting.
-Lei
Ho’omanawanui Challenge
This week, write down the things that bug you. These can be big things or small things. Write WHY these things annoy or frustrate you, then write HOW you will act when faced with these irritations. Visualization is a powerful tool to overcoming bad habits and strengthening character.
Share Your Story
Every person has a unique story, and we’d love to hear yours! How have you felt while doing this challenge? Was there anything that was challenging to you? Was there anything that truly inspired you? Be sure to share in our Wellness Hawaiian Style Facebook group or use the hashtag #HIVibe! Replying and commenting on others is also another wonderful way to keep the vibe HI!
E komo mai! 🌺 I am the author of Aloha State of Mind, a self help book that teaches you how to create paradise wherever you are. My blog, Naturally Aloha, focuses on all things Hawaii: culture, values, food, lifestyle, and more. I hope my writing inspires you to carry aloha with you everywhere! Learn more…
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