Probably one of the hardest things about a family falling apart is not being able to talk to anybody about it. Our breaking family may be the only thing on our mind, but when others ask, “How are you doing?” we might respond with, “I’m fine, thanks.” Deep inside, however, we feel like we’re falling apart because our families are falling apart.

Daily activities might feel exhausting because our brain are overwhelmed by the grief going on in our family. 

So what do we do in these situations? When it feels like our whole world is crumbling down? Whether mom and dad are getting a divorce, a sibling is choosing a path that breaks your heart, when extended or immediate family starts to get toxic and abusive, or any other difficult family situation, how can we survive? How can we even feel joy during these times?

I’m here to share with you that there is hope. Even in the darkest of times, we can find strength, increase our faith, and discover the light that’s always deep within us.

My story: “My family is falling apart”

Before I jump into the tips, let me backtrack for just a second. My parents divorced when I was in college, so I was a little older and could process things better than a child or teenager. However, the process of the divorce was slow, ugly, and incredibly painful, like many of my readers may be experiencing. Manipulation turned into abuse. I felt trapped by poverty and the situation. Depression crept in as I felt the loneliest I’d been in my whole life. When the divorce was finalized and the abusive family member moved out, it felt like a rope around my neck had been loosened.

Now, years later, I look back at that time and ask, “How did I get through? How did I survive?”

Somehow, as my family fell apart, I managed to keep strong faith in God, work hard and thrive at school, make and earn tons of money, and reach so many of my goals. Somehow, I managed to get through stronger, tougher, yet more compassionate and kinder.

So what does this mean for you? I realize that if I could get through all that darkness, especially when it involved the most important people in my life, then you can too. Despite your circumstances, you have all you need inside you right now to get through this, to stay strong as your family falls apart. I’m sorry this is happening to you, and my heart aches for what you’re experiencing, but I can say with confidence that you can do this. God’s hand is outstretched and ready to help, and you are stronger than you ever imagined.

And please remember… your journey is what you make of it, even when your family is falling apart

Your journey will include finding true friends, processing and healing, creating meaningful relationships (including those with family members), trusting in God, and creating JOY right where you are.

The following tips will help you start from the inside out. We can’t always change our circumstances, but we can change ourselves. What happens inside of us is more important than what happens outside.

So how do you keep it together when your family is falling apart? How do you keep yourself mentally healthy and strong? From this article, I hope you gain the strength and confidence you need to take care of yourself, even when your world is falling apart. 

Because, the truth is… you ARE strong, and you WILL get through this.

Seek help 

First of all, if you are in danger or have been sexually or physically abused, get help from local authorities, church leaders, and/or trusted friends. If you’ve been threatened not to tell anyone, know that you have the courage within you to get help. The results that come from getting help will be far greater than sticking it out—because you don’t need to stick it out. 

Here is a great resource to get help: National Domestic Violence Hotline

Tell someone your family is falling apart

I know it might be hard to talk to others outside of the family. It might feel like you’re exposing some secret, or that an abuser in the household might hurt you because of it. But sometimes you don’t know the severity of our situations until you talk to someone about it.

Find someone that you can 100% trust and tell them what’s going on. Sometimes they’ll provide insights that you hadn’t previously thought of. Or sometimes they’ll give you the courage to seek help from authorities or others. Someone you can trust could be a best friend, teachers, mentors, counselors, and even doctors. Use your best judgment to determine who to trust with your information.

Be careful to avoid those who gossip and/or speak negatively about others (if someone tells you something negative about another person, they’re probably talking about you behind your back too). Those who gossip will only worsen the situation, and you don’t need that negativity in your life.

Talk to your siblings or other family members 

Sometimes divorce or touchy subjects can divide a family. They create opposing views between family members, making the situation even worse. But please try to find private moments to speak with a trusted sibling or parent. It helps to have someone on the same team as you.

When stuff happens in the home, it can feel suffocating and claustrophobic–both physically and emotionally. Finding a quiet time and space to speak with a trusted family member can help release those emotions. You’re both going through this together, and, when you talk about it, you realize you’re not alone.

It doesn’t solve the solution all the time, but it helps your mental health to have some kind of emotional release.

Sometimes speaking with family members unites people. It can help them come up with solutions together. Speaking to your trusted family members in privacy can change the dynamics in your relationship. You will learn to trust your siblings (or parents) and unite together, standing strong even if the rest of your family is falling apart. 

Let this trial bring you together

While the whole situation is devastating, allow yourself to look at what you can control: You can be kind to family members, talk to them, and even understand their point of view. Instead of letting the action of a family member pull everyone down, use this as an opportunity to pull the rest of your family together.

On the flip side, sometimes talking to family members causes more conflict

Sometimes speaking to a family member may cause us to feel more angry, tired, or upset, especially when our opinion differs from their opinion. Please understand that you need not fix everything right now. Sometimes our family members need space and time to process their own emotions, and figure out their own views on everything. Give them their space and, if there are no family members to talk to, remember that God always listens. Seek him in prayer and scripture study, and the answers you seek will come to you.

Write in a journal 

Probably the biggest and most obvious pain point of a family that is falling apart is that you don’t have any control over the situation. You can’t control the agency of others, but you can control yourself.

Writing in a journal gives you control. It helps you process and gain clarity on the things in your life that you can control, such as your faith, your desire to be free of this situation, and your willpower to get through.

Through writing, you recognize your true desires, and that helps you use your imagination and creativity. When you’re stuck in the middle of a bad family situation, you might feel like all your hopes and dreams have been crushed.

But that’s simply not true. You can TOTALLY still reach your dreams! Journaling helps you to cope with the negative emotions–it puts all those emotions in a safe place, free from judgment and prying.

Journaling also helps you cope with the dark stuff. Write about your true, dark emotions–how low you feel, how angry the situation makes you–and then let it go. Doing so helps you see that your life won’t always be this way. You won’t always feel trapped or alone. Journaling is your escape.

Later in life I burned all of my journals in a bonfire, which was also very therapeutic. It was the final release of all those negative and dark emotions, a time in my life that I needed words on a page to relieve the words in my heart. I hope journaling can give you that relief too.

Reach out to God 

A broken family and the misery that comes with it can you make you feel like God has abandoned you. For a while, I felt like God was mad at me, and this was my punishment for something I did wrong. But the truth is that I did nothing wrong, and God wasn’t punishing me. He allowed this to happen because every person has agency, including abusive or hurtful family members. I learned so much about the power of choice from my family, and I know you can too.

You might feel like God has left you all alone. Or you might feel punished for something you can’t fix. Another common plight involves feeling unworthy or having “too many problems” to get help. But please know that isn’t true. You are never too far to reach out to God. He is always there. 

Looking back, I can see how he was always there—protecting me and providing tender mercies. 

He is always there. If you haven’t prayed in a while, now is the best time to start. I know that once I started reaching out to a power greater than my own, I felt more strength and comfort than I thought I ever deserved. This gave me great confidence in moving forward. 

Learn more about trusting God and handling your challenges better with this Hawaiian value: Ho’omau: Endure and Persevere with Diligence

Stay laser focused on your goals 

If you just feel like giving up, think about the hope that the future holds. Give yourself 100% permission to dream big and set goals, because situations of unhappiness and brokenness will push and motivate you harder and further than you EVER imagined. Some of the most successful people have started with nothing, but their stories are inspiring. 

For me, I really wanted to serve an 18-month church mission and graduate from college in 3 years. I had my timeline set out perfectly so I could one day be a writer and just have a functioning home (that was my big dream—running water and electricity). At the start of my college life, I was sick of the abuse at home, so I did something about it: I got a job. And then I eventually got two more jobs. 

I worked 3 jobs while earning the max number of college credits per semester. Then I volunteered at my church and worked closely with my professors to keep myself on track. In the middle of all of this, I won awards and scholarships– which I used to better take care of myself and save for the future. I participated in the English club on campus and I worked out every. single. day. 

It won’t be easy, but it will be worth it

Can you see the push? Firstly, I overbooked myself so I was never at home. That meant less time around the toxic family situation. Secondly, working towards my goals gave me purpose and, more importantly, hope. Hope! It is such a beautiful and high-energy word. 

If you write goals and stay laser focused on them, you can do it. They will give you the hope and the elevation you need to rise above your circumstances. YOU are taking the steps to control your life.

By staying laser focused on my goals, I was totally able to earn my bachelor’s degree in 3 years, and serve an 18 month church mission in the Philippines. I was so proud of myself! I did all of that with my own laser focus, and help from God. No matter how big your goals and dreams are, you CAN do it! 

Learn more about working hard with this Hawaiian value: Ho’ohana: Do Meaningful Work

Don’t resort to substances or addictions for help 

If I can offer one last word of advice to you as your family is falling apart, it would be to keep your spirit and body healthy and strong. It’s ok to listen to sad music when you feel sad. I actually allowed myself to listen to one or two sad songs but I had to follow those up with some happier and more upbeat songs. Your spirit needs nourishment just as much as your body. You need to acknowledge the pain and validate it, especially if there isn’t someone there to validate you.

However, if I can influence you with all of the good intentions and energy in my heart… please don’t resort to drugs or alcohol. Don’t resort to binge-watching shows or playing video games. And please don’t resort to watching things like pornography. While these “seemingly harmless” forms of entertainment promise you immediate relief and escape, they will entice you until you have formed addictive habits. 

Please take care of yourself. It’s ok to grieve and to feel sad for a moment, but please also feed your soul. You are much stronger than the circumstances around you. If you find that you’ve dug yourself into the hole of addiction, please seek help. There are great resources out there to help you overcome this addiction.

Even when your family is falling apart, even when you feel broken, there is always hope. 

Create paradise where you are

The last tip is to create paradise where you are. I grew up in Hawaii but lived in poverty, experienced abuse, and had a lot of trauma from it. It doesn’t matter where you live, or what circumstances you’re in… it’s up to YOU to create your paradise.

I’ve added a brief list of Hawaiian values that can help you create paradise where you are. Check out just a few of the many below:

Ho’omanawanui: Improve your patience in every season

Mahalo: Learn to be grateful to God for your blessings and challenges

Nana i ke Kumu: Discover who to look to for love, support, guidance, and peace

Aloha: Live your life fully with LOVE

I want to end by sending you lots of aloha and good vibes. If you are looking for additional ways to raise your vibe and live an aloha life—a life of wellness—please consider taking my free 5 Hawaiian Days to Wellness Mini Course. 

I hope these tips helped! If you think of any other helpful tips, please comment below as it will help others on their journey!

Sending lots of aloha and good vibes, 

Leialoha

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