Do you feel like you’re in a slump of life, where things are going OK, but they’re not GREAT? You might not feel very fulfilled or satisfied, even if you’re doing good things. It’s like going through the motions. Maybe you’re a college student doing well in classes but feel empty, a working woman with a successful career but who feels unfulfilled, or a stay-at-home mom that feels discontent with certain aspects of life. It’s hard to know what to do or to pinpoint what exactly might be wrong.
These are the times to intentionally show up in life.
Ask yourself: Do I want to get out of the emotional, physical, spiritual, or mental slump I’m in? Do I want to get more out of life? Do I want to be happier and find pleasure and satisfaction in the good things I’m already doing?
There’s a way out of these feelings of boredom, of dissatisfaction, and/or of the slump we all get into. To live with more joy and satisfaction, you will find that showing up in life is the answer. Those who show up in life are mindful, present, observant, and motivated. The following guidelines will help you show up in life and become your best, present, unique YOU.
Be creative
I love the word “creative” because we are all creators. In fact, I truly believe in this cliche but timeless statement:
I believe we create what we become. If you want to be an author, a broadway actor, or a CEO, you have the power to create your future. If you want to be more kind, patient, or loyal, you have the power to create you.
As an example, when I had depression, all I wanted was to be happy. I literally just wanted to feel joy and satisfaction for the things I did—because I did many good things for other people and myself. So I created solutions to my problems. Whenever depression crept up with some new tactic to tear me down, I created a solution (which later helped me to write this Ebook about overcoming depression naturally).
I didn’t have all the answers—nor did the internet or people—because every person has different circumstances. But I did have creativity, and so do you. So if you want to become an author, an astronaut, or something in between but have no formal experience, YOU are the only thing in your way if you never start somewhere. Make your dreams happen by creating opportunities from obstacles, growth from failure, and joy from experience.
Rekindle your Passion
If something that once interested and fascinated you got put on the back burner of your mind, it’s time to bring that to the front and rekindle it. If you can’t remember what gets the fire burning in your soul, check out these questions to find and create you.
By rekindling your passions, you will find a zest for life that you didn’t have before. Doing something you love—whether it’s playing the piano, exercising, or creating something—will foster creativity and feed your soul.
Set goals
If you’ve never tried goal-setting, showing up in life means it’s time to start right now. What are some things you always wanted to do but never had the time or resources? Create opportunities to do these things by setting goals and making plans. If you’re having trouble reaching these goals, think SMART: Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant, and Timely.
Create reasons for joy
Sometimes we get into this funk where nothing makes us happy. When I get sick or nauseous and have no appetite, I feel SO bummed out. Food is one of my little happy places and if I can’t enjoy food, then what can I enjoy? Whether you’re just burnt out from something, or if you feel like the happiness has been sucked out from a regular activity (like playing with the kids, spending time with your spouse, eating, sleeping, etc), create reasons for joy.
With my example of feeling sick from food, I look at the things I’m grateful for. I’m grateful for my body, I’m grateful for the times I feel well and can eat food. I create reasons to have joy even if I don’t feel well enough to eat.
I also distract myself from things I can’t do by doing the things I can. With this food example, I’ll usually just write, talk to my husband, or just rest my stomach so I can feel better. This helps me have joy even if I’m not feeling the best.
Express gratitude
Sometimes life just feels heavy. Whether you’re watching the kids at home or studying for a test, you might feel a little empty inside without any reason. You could have all the things you need: a home, faith in God, food, loved ones… but you just don’t feel right inside.
In moments like these, the best thing to do is express gratitude. Whether you specifically tell someone thank you for something they’re doing, say a prayer to mahalo ke Akua, or write a gratitude list, showing appreciation brings a renewal of light to your soul.
You can express gratitude for even the littlest things, like running water and electricity, a healthy body, clothes, food, snuggles, or certain smells… the list could go on. I wrote tons of lists, especially during depression. These lists helped me see things in a bigger perspective and recognize that I have so many blessings in my life. They also helped me reflect on times I didn’t have the little things, and how merciful and mindful God has been in my life. Once I learned how to appreciate the smallest things in my life, each day became a day of Thanksgiving, a celebration of life, beauty, and faith—even on the hardest days.
Be present
The words “show up” usually apply to attending parties and get togethers. I hate it when people say things like, “You showed up!” in general because it’s always been difficult for me to attend big gatherings—and I know I’m not the only one with that problem. I have surprised myself when I “showed up” to big parties, reunions, or events. As an introvert and empath, talking to and being surrounded by lots of people exhausts me.
Despite having difficulties with big groups, I’ve found that I’ve made the most of my time at big gatherings by being present. Instead of sitting on my phone and scrolling through messages I’ve already seen, or staring out the window, or finding a place of quiet (although these are all good strategies to use if you need to), I was pleasantly surprised to make great memories by interacting with others and even meeting new people.
The same principle applies to our own lives. To show up in life means being present. Instead of spending tons of time scrolling through social media or messages, or mindlessly listening to music or watching too much entertainment, what if you spent more time being there for others? Or being there for yourself? How have you fed your soul?
I read a church talk recently where the speaker said that in life we have “opportunity costs,” meaning that we can be doing things that are good (social media and other forms of entertainment can definitely be good), but we could be doing things that are better. By spending time on mindless activities, we sacrifice the opportunity to do other things. Our temporary pleasure costs us present and future opportunities.
So instead of mindlessly going about the day, I hope you can eliminate opportunity costs and be present in your life. Make more memories with your loved ones, create the things you love, and learn more skills to bless your life and the lives of others.
A final word
To show up in life really brought vibrancy, love, and light into my life. When I intentionally lived my life by being a creator, rekindling passions, setting goals, expressing appreciation, and being present, I experienced daily joy and power I had not previously experienced. My capacity to serve expanded, my desire to do good increased, and I grew in so many ways (spiritually, mentally, and emotionally). I found more faith in God and appreciation for his blessings. In short, my life became fuller. Whenever I look back at the old me in a slump, I’m so grateful that I decided to show up in life. I hope you can feel that too!
I’d love to hear from you! Write in the comments below: what is one thing that has helped you show up in your life?
Do you remember the first time you felt like something was unfair? Do you remember the moment someone abused you so badly that you lost trust in people? In moments of weakness, tragedy, or grief, we, as human beings, have a tendency to store these emotionally charged experiences in the form of self limiting beliefs. These beliefs are meant to “protect” us, and our conscious carries it out without even knowing it.
Cause of Self Limiting Beliefs
In my personal experience and with talking to others, I’ve found that limiting self beliefs are caused by fear. We fear what we don’t understand or can’t control, and therefore we subconsciously create beliefs about ourselves, people, or situations.
Especially in childhood and adolescence, we were susceptible to the beliefs our parents taught us. We soaked up their values, and observed how they treated relationships, finances, spirituality, and work. We created our own beliefs and subconsciously found evidence to support those beliefs, which were based off of either fear of love (sometimes a combo of both).
Some of these beliefs look like, “I’ll always be poor” (fear of success) or “There’s not enough for everyone so I need to take what I can get” (fear of others/the world) or “Relationships always have to be hard and full of fighting” (fear of being controlled). We observe our parents and the people around us, and soon, we have formed many beliefs. Some beliefs are positive and truthful, but beliefs that are negative and false become self limiting beliefs.
For example, if someone was abused by others, they might subconsciously create the belief that they’ll always be abused by people. They then consciously distrust people and subconsciously hang around people who turn out to be narcissistic or abusive.
These limiting beliefs can stump our progress and our happiness. They can also prevent you from reaching your goals. It’s difficult to have healthy beliefs about money, success, your body, your mind, or just about anything in this life.
The How
In my own journey of overcoming self limiting beliefs, I’ve used 3 simple steps: recognize, find the source, and create. It’s so easy to feel overwhelmed by the false, untrue beliefs we have, but I encourage you to come from a place of love in overcoming your limiting beliefs.
In Hawaii, we talk about having aloha, which is more than just “hello” and “goodbye.” Aloha teaches us to love God, others, and ourselves. I encourage you to read these steps with aloha for yourself. The limiting self beliefs were created from fear, so come from a place of love in overcoming them.
Step 1: Recognize
The first step to overcoming limiting beliefs is to recognize. Recognizing helps us look at things with both eyes wide open. We can see areas of our life we’ve lacked and the fears that hold us back from doing things that would bring more joy.
I don’t think I can list all of the different kinds of limiting beliefs here, but a really great way to recognize the limiting belief is to put it in the form of a sentence.
For example, “I will always feel really sad after feeling happy.” This was one of my self limiting beliefs for the longest time. I never felt like I could have true joy because I’d suffer after. In my experiences, it seemed like each time I experienced a spiritual high, inspiration, or moment of motivation, it was followed by the equal amount of grief and sadness, as though I had failed. I started fearing happiness because of what followed after it.
Sometimes you can find common themes of your limiting beliefs. For example, you might notice a common thread in your relationships, such as not wanting to get close to others, fear of being hurt, and/or anxiety around certain people or groups. These relationship issues can go along the theme of distrust.
Another example is the theme of feeling broken. You might notice that you don’t feel like anyone could ever fully love you because of the trauma you’ve gone through, and/or that you have too many problems, and/or you won’t ever function like a “normal” person.
These are just some examples to get you started, and, as I said before, there are SO many limiting self beliefs that it would be impossible for me to write them all down. However, I want to help you get a head start so I’ve listed some of the most common themes of self limiting beliefs. As you read through the themes, evaluate how you approach the theme.
Ask yourself: Does this theme bring up negative feelings of fear, discouragement, anxiety, or even depression? Some words might resonate strongly and positively with you because you have healthy beliefs on that theme. Give yourself credit for these joyful, truthful beliefs.
For the themes that have negative energy or a negative reaction, write them down to explore in the next step.
Themes:
Abandonment
Abuse
Awkward
Balance
Betrayed
Broken
Change
Confidence
Deceived
Deserving
Education
Enough
Failure
Family
Fear
Finances
Helpless
Hopeless
Lonely
“I will always feel______”
Negative
Neglect
Overwhelmed
Passion
Relationship
Safety
Scarcity
Stuck
Talent
Time
Trust
Unfulfilled
Unworthy
Weak
Find the Source
The next thing is to find the source of this belief. Our subconscious mind creates these ideas as a means of protection, but these beliefs hold us back from truly succeeding, feeling happiness, and experiencing satisfaction from our accomplishments.
From the previous example, my experience with feeling sad after feeling happy comes with a heavy history of trauma, neglect, stress, and abuse. For example, if I felt happy about something or successfully accomplished a task, it never felt like people acknowledged my hard work. I usually felt brushed aside by others. I also experienced abuse at home which made me feel worse about myself. The happiness and satisfaction from my hard work quickly diminished. It seemed to me that I was better off bracing myself for sadness after feeling happy—even the slightest amount of happiness.
This limiting self belief carried onto my marriage. I prepared myself for an equal amount of sadness as the happiness after our wedding day, but it never came. In fact, my life improved and got better. It left me dumbfounded, wondering, HOW? It was then I recognized I had a self limiting belief. I changed my perspective, realizing that I DESERVE happiness and, to be totally honest, I COULD still be happy, despite my trials. I also accepted that sometimes things don’t work out the way we want after we experience joy. Life is just like a roller coaster, and it’s OK if things don’t always work out.
In your life, you might have experienced trauma or even just emotionally taxing situations. If you can look back and find the source of you self limiting belief, it makes it so much easier to get rid of them.
Sometimes, with mental illnesses like depression and anxiety, the science of the body affects how we feel about ourselves. Specifically with depression, the self limiting beliefs go along the themes of brokenness, hopelessness, and unworthiness. As you acknowledge that the mental illness is the source of the limiting belief, it makes it much easier to overcome.
Create new, empowering beliefs and consciously live them
Creation is one of my favorite things. I love that we can create opportunities from obstacles. When I discovered my limiting self belief, I knew I had to replace it with a new belief. I couldn’t keep mentally bracing myself for grief after feeling joy. So the best way to replace the self limiting belief is to create a new belief, which is kind of like an affirmation. Here is how my affirmation went:
I can choose to be happy no matter what the circumstances. Sometimes bad things will happen, but I won’t let that stop me from being happy or enjoying myself and my life.”
Even more important than creating the affirmation is to actually live by that affirmation. Whenever you feel yourself acting out of fear by the old beliefs, consciously state the new belief/affirmation in your head and then live by it.
This is one of the most fulfilling ways to live. When you come from a place of love and state your new, truthful beliefs, you then become free. You don’t have to live your life by old scripts or by old hurts. This is when you truly become your best self.
I encourage you with all the aloha in my heart to find those limiting self beliefs and come from a place of love in recognizing them, finding the source, and creating new, truthful beliefs.
What limiting self beliefs have you overcome? I’d love to know! Comment in the section below! 🙂
Here are some common scenarios that cause overwhelm and burnout around this time of year: Back to school. Half of 2019 is already gone. Finances might be a little tight. And… there’s still SO much left to do!
If you have a mental illness, the feelings of overwhelm and burnout can come on especially quick with these changes and transitions in the schedule. Even if you don’t have a mental illness, transitions, change, and unexpected challenges can lead to tons of stress and overwhelm.
When I did my student teaching, I remember the feelings of stress associated with being a teacher. You just never know what to expect when you walk into a classroom—both the teachers and students. Whether you’re in high school, in college, are a teacher, or a 9-5 worker, it’s easy to feel overwhelmed by the amount of things you have to do. And now that August is here and we’re more than halfway through the year, you might look at your 2019 goals and think, I haven’t done anything!!!
First off, take a deep breath and know that it’s OK. To help put things into perspective, here are some helpful tips to avoid overwhelm and burnout—because they’re both VERY real problems. Overwhelm/burnout can lead to total mental, physical, and emotional exhaustion. It can cause depression and even suicidal thoughts. So… to stay sane and happy, here are a couple of tips to help you avoid overwhelm and burnout.
Stop. Breathe.
With all the commotion of our everyday lives, when was the last time you stopped and took a deep breath? When was the last time you did a really good stretch? Cuddled with your spouse? Closed your eyes for a couple of minutes? Soaked in a tub? Took a nap? Or took a nice long drink of water?
We can get so absorbed in our lives, phones, our work, that we forget the things that matter most. Stillness can help us get out of the floating headspace and re-ground our bodies and minds.
Take a moment to get out in nature and smell the fresh air. Listen to a meditation podcast. Snuggle with your loved one. Remember the most important things in your life and breathe it all in.
What’s on your mind?
One SUPER helpful thing to try is writing lists. This may sound so basic but it really works! Some people call it a brain dump. All you have to do is write a list of the things on your mind. You can then number them, with #1 being the most important thing to do or get done.
Overwhelm and burnout usually comes on because we spend so much time storing information in our brain… when, really, an easier way to let that all go is simply writing it down.
I’m literally baffled by people who don’t use planners. “HOW do you stay organized?” I wonder. Or how can they possibly remember all the things they need to do? My solution to the brain chaos is having a planner and organizing my life.
I imagine mental notes as things in a room. The more stuff you hold onto, the stuffier the room gets. By writing down your thoughts and mental notes, it’s like letting go of all the clutter in the brain “room” so you can focus on the things that matter most. Whatever you have to write on, do it and let all those thoughts free!
What are the most important things?
Like the first tip, overwhelm and burnout are usually caused by fixing our view on things less important. Sometimes we might even procrastinate the things that bring us the greatest joy (here’s one of my favorite TED talks about this). Whether you “plan” on one day budgeting, on improving a relationship with a loved one, working out, or whatever else that brings joy and meaning into life, today is the best day to start. Everytime I want to procrastinate something that will bring me satisfaction and joy, I think of this:
It doesn’t matter that we’re more than halfway through the year, or if you’ve already “failed” your New Years Resolution. What matters is that you try. Better late than never. Choose to let this be the last day of your procrastinating the most important things in life.
Prioritize. Plan. Pray.
The 3 P’s can really improve your life. Similar to brain dumping, just write out all the things you have to do and then prioritize. Prioritize the things that matter most in your life and what goals you want to accomplish, and then make plans to do them! Finally, pray for help from God. I’m a firm believer that if you pray for something and follow through with it to show you’re putting forth your effort, then the good things will happen. I also believe that if it’s not the right path for you, God will let you know. He can also help you feel comfort in times of huge stress. I’ve found that when I pray, I receive impressions of things I need to stop worrying about—because, in the long run, they’re usually things that won’t matter at all.
To be totally honest, I sometimes get overwhelmed with dishes and household chores. They just feel like extra things to do on top of my usual duties of blogging, writing, and my day job. My husband helps me with stuff, but I’m kind of OCD so everything has to be clean—no dishes in the sink before I leave for work, no crumbs on the floors, etc… To help me avoid overwhelm when it comes to the “busy” stuff, I’ve learned to clean as I go.
While you’re cooking, clean up the dishes you used to cook, and then after you’re done eating you have WAY less dishes to wash! When you finish the loads of laundry and have a big basket of clothes waiting to be folded, set a time to do it—I like to take breaks between my blogging/writing and I just do it then. The more you plan ahead and set time for things, the easier it will all be for you in the long run!
Take advantage of your mornings
It seems that every person I’ve met has admitted that mornings are the most productive time of their day. I find this is the same for me. I have a morning routine where I get plenty of things done and enjoy it too! Morning routines can be joyful, exciting, and just set the right mood for your day. If you don’t have a morning routine, I encourage you to try one and stick to it—you might even surprise yourself with how much you enjoy it!
I hope these tips help with the overwhelm and burnout you experience. Remember that you still have time—you always have time—to improve and reach your goals. By slowing down, recognizing the things that matter most in your life, and breathing, you’ll be surprised by how much more you get done! And how fulfilled you will feel.
We all have those people in our lives who we absolutely love, but they can’t seem to progress in life. Feeling sorry for them, we listen because it feels like one bad thing after the next happens to them. Sometimes we offer counsel, cry with them, empathize with, and feel their pain. Sometimes, we might even honestly think: Maybe this is too much for me… Maybe I need to let go or say no.
But we feel sorry for them, as they just never seem to overcome their obstacles. Soon, we realize that we’re falling back and dragging behind with them. We dread the exhaustion that comes after hanging out with them.
For those of us with depression, anxiety, or mental illness, we know that it truly helps to have a listening ear and empathizing heart. We treat others with kindness, love, and empathy because that’s what we find helpful in our situations. Also, sometimes, we know that there aren’t always people available to us, so we try to be as available as possible to others fighting their own demons.
However, there are limits to this.
When it gets to the point where our “friends” start to drag us down by making the same mistakes, not trying new things, or being negative all the time… it’s time to let go or say no.
These are two approaches you can take with relationships in your life. I’ll admit that both of these approaches are difficult at first–especially since we naturally want to help–but it’s totally worth it. Learning to balance and respect yourself comes with its benefits. Here are two ways to know when to let go or say no, and how to do it.
Let Go
You know those people who abuse others—it doesn’t even have to be physical, verbal, or emotional. It can be abusive of other peoples’ time and resources. As an example, I once knew a nice girl with plenty of problems: health wise, financially, and romantically. She just struggled in these things so much, that after a long time of listening, empathizing, and offering advice, I realized that the things I said went in one ear and went out the other.
I constantly built her up, encouraged her confidence, and gave her some pretty good life and dating advice. However, she never changed. She kept doing the same things, expecting different results.
“Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”
-Albert Einstein
Because of her unwillingness to progress and change, staying in her murky water of negativity and laziness, I was going insane. I genuinely wanted to help her, but she just refused to change. Our visits became a daily dose of complaints and rants of how the world had totally mistreated her.
This absolutely killed me inside. No matter what I did or said, she made a choice to stump her progression. I couldn’t do it anymore.
I had to let go.
Can you think of a similar relationship? Is there someone who drags you down by abusing something of yours?
Letting go is easier in some situations than others. If you’ve been in an abusive relationship and feel tied to it,
Remember that by letting them rely on you, you’re creating a crutch for them. By letting them abuse and use you, you’re stopping their progression and your own. #toughlove but it’s true. They need to learn positive self reliance, and they won’t learn that by relying on you. Let go.
Sometimes you can tell the person you’re taking a break, you can just cut all ties (I suggest doing this in really abusive situations), or visiting less frequently. It looks different for every relationship, but I encourage you to feel what might be the best thing.
Don’t stress too much about it though, because, honestly, you probably know deep down inside what’s the best thing to do. Sometimes you’ll realize that letting go might not be best–because you have such a good relationship–so you can set boundaries and say no (read on for more info on that ;)).
Say No
This alternative method differs from letting go because you still keep in contact with the people you say no to. You preserve the relationship, however, you set boundaries. For example, I had a friend who suffered from severe depression and anxiety. As in the previous example, and as an empath, I naturally wanted to help her and I started helping too much—yes, there’s such a thing.
I know I’m not the only one who has this personal flaw/weakness. Many people with mental illnesses possess this trait because we’re in so much pain. If we can alleviate someone else’s suffering, deep down we hope it will alleviate our own pain. This is true, as service brings rich and satisfying feelings. However, it’s not true when we go too far, letting other people rely on us for everything.
In this case, I gave so much of my time and energy, something very emotionally draining for me, as someone with depression and an introvert. This woman had financial and family problems that never seemed to end. She never asked for money, but she asked for constant advice and sometimes even yelled when she was mad. I could hardly stand the angry vibes. Even though she wasn’t yelling at me, she looked directly at me, in total disbelief of her situation, and I always felt like she was, indeed, yelling at me. I left our visits totally drained and a little upset.
After a while of this, I knew I had to say no. She was such a nice person and someone I wanted to keep a relationship with, but there were just certain things she did that I couldn’t handle. With some (or all–depends on who you are and your situation) people, we need boundaries.
With her, I had to allow myself to say no. For the longest time, I felt obligated to visit, to listen, to stop by whenever I received the text, “Are you home?” but then I gave my permission to say no. Even if I was available, I didn’t have to respond to her perceived crisis (because she had plenty of them).
I gave myself permission to set boundaries and say YES to things when I felt comfortable, rejuvenated enough, and emotionally well. I didn’t have to do certain things when I didn’t feel well.
These were the boundaries I set for myself. I didn’t tell her about my decisions to “say no” to her constant requests—as most counselors and therapists might suggest—I just made a very conscious decision and stuck with it. She caught on.
If you feel the need to tell people your boundaries, that’s totally ok. Personally, I feel most comfortable giving myself permission to set boundaries and sticking to them, saying no to people and things when it doesn’t feel right to me. This allows me to keep my friends but not force myself to do things I don’t feel good doing. Doing this gave me a lot of freedom and permission to take control of my circumstances.
Conclusion: Let go or say no
I hope you’ve been able to identify some of your relationships that lack the positivity, goodness, and energy you need. Of course everyone has their bad days, but be aware of what you can and can’t handle, and be ok with it too.
If you are looking to improve your overall wellness, check out my FREE 5 Hawaiian days to wellness class. You will find more strategies for improving your overall wellness and daily happiness. You got this!
Lately I’ve been throwing this question around: “Am I enough?” As I work on a new Ebook to help people overcome depression and as I create content for my blog, I wonder if I’m even “good enough” or “qualified enough” to write such things. Sometimes I hit a wall—a direct result of ptsd and depression—where I think to myself: I haven’t seen, done, or experienced enough to ever be “good enough.” I’ll never be “good enough” to help people the way I want.
But then I stop and listen to that statement. That’s SO not true! I’ve helped so many people in my life by sharing my experiences, listening, and teaching simple principles to improve the quality of their lives.
So I want you to listen to me right now…
You ARE enough.
Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Remind yourself that you are enough, and believe it. We, as women, are incredibly hard on ourselves! My husband always tells me, “You’re so kind to other people, but you don’t allow yourself that kindness.”
Give yourself the kindness and credit you deserve. Obviously you can’t feel good if you’re not making the best choices, but we all make mistakes so if you need to improve, that’s ok!
When we come across challenging situations, or when we interact with others, we have a tendency to leave the situation or interaction feeling like we hadn’t done enough. We put a magnifying glass to our weaknesses, seeing only the things we “did wrong.” We evaluate every flaw, holding the magnifying glass so close that the flaws and weaknesses are completely exaggerated and blown out of proportion.
But what if we consciously took the magnifying glass in our head and looked at the strengths?
For example, I have a major struggle when it comes to family. PTSD and anxiety from past traumas have me feeling like I can’t trust anyone and that family will always be toxic. After my parent’s divorce, I lost contact with all of my extended family (except my immediate siblings and mom). However, marriage brought on a whole other family: in-laws.
I love my in-laws but it was really difficult for me at first (sometimes it still is). I would go to events kicking and screaming internally—my husband never forced me to go to anything, but I was so caught up in feeling obligated that we’d go anyways.
When we were with the in-laws, I’d smile and genuinely try to ask questions and get to know people. This was VERY difficult for me because internally I felt irritated and anxious, like they were hiding something up their sleeves. In my head, I imagined they asked me questions to use as ammo against me. I always answered and held surfacey, but cordial conversations.
After the family events, I’d usually cry on the way home or shut down. All I could see were my huge flaws and weaknesses on replay after replay… They were totally blown out of proportion. My head would say things like, You looked so stupid. They didn’t actually want to talk to you—they just felt obligated to talk to you. You’ll never be ok around family…
Yes, those are my weaknesses. I certainly feel that people talk to me out of obligation sometimes. And yes, I don’t ever really feel comfortable around family. But! But when I take a hold of the magnifying glass and look at the strengths I recognize the good things I did.
I was kind, patient, and cordial. I smiled and answered graciously. I asked questions with a genuine intent to listen and understand—even if they replied with short, awkward answers. And a huge success was that I tried! Family is a weakness of mine but I was totally there trying and doing my best.
When I zoomed out and saw the whole picture—the replay of my interactions with others, I couldn’t help but feel proud of myself. Yes, I have weaknesses, but I have strengths too. That helps me to feel good enough.
You are good enough
It’s so easy for us to feel bad for the skills we lack, or by our weaknesses and flaws. But when you take a hold of that magnifying glass in your head, you will see the beautiful and wonderful things you do.
You are totally enough!
Ask God
I’m a firm believer that if you ask God what he thinks about you, you can’t go wrong. After all, he, the divine creator, created YOU! He loves you so much. You will feel love beyond measure, and recognize that your worth isn’t dependent on what others think of you. You are enough for you, and you are enough for God.
Focus on the good, have aloha for yourself, and rise above the feelings of self-doubt. You were made to do incredible things, and so go forward with excitement, knowing this:
P.S. I made these cute wallpapers for you to download and use as a screensaver on your phone—just a little reminder in case you forget. 😉 To save the wallpaper, click on the image you want. It will take you to a new page. Right click (or hold the picture on phone) and select “save image.” And then you have a new wallpaper! 🙂
People always talk about how you need to “discover you.” However, one of the most profound quotes I heard recently went like this:
Life is not about finding your purpose; it is about creating it.
What if, instead of trying to find ourselves, we started creating our lives? Instead of waiting to stumble into the things you’re passionate about to “discover you,” what if you created it?
I came up with a list of questions to help you create your best self. I invite you to ponder on and answer each question as honestly as you can. The more honest you are with yourself, the easier it is to know who you really are.
Another thing I want to mention before you dive in is to remember that each of us has self-limiting beliefs. This means that you might have formed beliefs, at weak points of your life, that make you feel inadequate and put restrictions on your potential. For example, my dad reprimanded me as a child because I couldn’t speak clearly and I stuttered all the time. He also mocked my siblings when they said things incorrectly. It made me believe that it was better to not talk at all. This limiting self-belief disappeared as I grew older and realized I have a voice and message to share with the world.
As you answer these questions, be conscious of the limiting self-beliefs that crop up and replace those beliefs with new, intentional beliefs. You have great potential for good and can create a beautiful you.
Questions to create you:
Is there a topic or issue in the world that I feel strongly about and would like to help solve?
If I had to leave the house for a day, what would I do?
If I had to write an essay on something I wanted to learn or that I already enjoy doing, what would it be?
Is there a place I’ve ever wanted to travel to but haven’t yet? Where is it? What makes that place so interesting to me?
Am I fulfilling some of my adolescent dreams? If not, what do I need to do differently?
What things bring you the greatest joy and satisfaction? Why?
What kind of relationships do you want to have?
Who is your role model, mentor, or someone you admire? Why?
What do I want my eulogy to say about my life?
Who do I enjoy being around? Why?
Is there something I always look forward to? Why?
Is there one (or a few) thing(s) I’ve always dreamed of doing or seeing?
If I could take a course on any topic in the world, what would it be?
What am I most grateful for in my life?
List my gifts and talents. Is there something else I’d like to develop?
Now what?
I hope these questions help you on your journey of creating YOU. Sometimes it’s scary to think of your own full potential and “discover you.” It can feel like, “What would actually happen if I succeeded?” Instead of thinking of the worst-case scenario (which is probably a direct result of limiting self-beliefs), think of all the wonderful things that could come of reaching your goals.
If you’re still wondering how you can continually create you, try the 5 Hawaiian Days to Wellness course to build your character and strengthen your relationships.!
Hawaiian self care seems self explanatory, especially if you live in Hawaii or get to travel to Hawaii often. With the free access to beaches, the delicious food, and the aloha spirit abounding, Hawaiian self care in Hawaii seems like an easy task. However, for the majority of people, with all the bustle, stress, and busy-ness of everyday life, it’s easy to get overwhelmed and burnt out.
This is a huge reason that a lot of people visit Hawaii. They want to “take a break” from the daily grind and refresh. But what if going to Hawaii just isn’t the option at the moment? What if you could experience something a little more Hawaiian and practice self care at the same time?
If you need to take a break and want to experience just a bit of paradise, here are some Hawaiian traditions you need to try for self care!
Lomi lomi
Lomi lomi is the Hawaiian way of massage, where you basically use your fingers and hands to tenderly massage and relax the muscles. Lomi loom does not include hand chopping or intensity. Lomi lomi encourages a sense of aloha for yourself and your body. Giving lomi lomi to your special someone (or receiving it) is also a wonderful way to build lokahi, unity, in your relationship.
Cooking food
Hawaiians LOVE food, and what better way to refresh and relax than cooking up a good meal? Try something new or make one of your favorite meals. Healthy and whole foods are another great way to take care of yourself.
Talking Stories
In Hawaii, people relax and rejuvenate by talking stories. Is there someone you enjoy talking to, who you can just laugh and share your stories with? Whether that person is a family member, a friend, or even an acquaintance, “talking stories” is a great way to unwind.
Kanikapila
Is music your jam? Kanikapila involves a group of people bringing their fav instruments (usually the portable ones like guitars and ukuleles) and having a jam sesh. Even if you’re not the greatest singer, or you’re learning an instrument, kanikapila with good friends can unload a ton of stress.
Listen to the sounds of nature
Hawaii is known for the beautiful natural sites, like waterfalls, white sandy shorelines, and lush green mountains. Perhaps you don’t have all of these luxuries where you live, but just going out and spending time listening to the sounds of nature can soothe the wearied soul.
Take time for spirituality
Hawaiians are a very spiritual people, looking to a higher source for wisdom and support. Take a moment to reflect on the blessings God has given you. Living mahalo can increase stamina and overall health.
I wish you well on your journey of self care and hope these Hawaiian traditions will help you!
Depression brings on many suicidal thoughts, but one thing I’ve found, as someone with high functioning depression, is that suicidal thoughts don’t always mean you want to commit suicide. Thinking about death just seems to be a common plight of those with depression.
I find myself thinking about death quite often, but I don’t want to die, and I don’t want to commit suicide. However, in reflecting on this I realized that I’m not the only one with this problem. In talking to close friends and family who have depression or anxiety, I discovered that they sometimes experience suicidal thoughts too.
So whether you are hanging by a thread or wondering what to do about those thoughts, here are some tips to help you.
Tell someone
Seek help right away if it’s serious. If you are planning a suicide or forming ways you can carry it out, call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8255 or a trusted family member or friend. If you are just thinking about suicide but not acting on it, please, please, please still talk to someone.
The first time I talked to my husband about it, he was blown away. He had no idea that I thought those kinds of things. I told him about the various scenarios that would come up and the times that they occurred. Just talking to him about it took a load off my shoulders and helped me not feel so alone. I also tell him each time I have suicidal thoughts so that he can offer assistance if it gets worse for me.
Just letting someone know that you’re having those thoughts, like a spouse or trusted friend, and helping them understand the level of severity will help you. I feel like I see things more clearly when I just tell someone what I’m thinking and can let that load off.
Write about it
Just as talking to someone helps lighten the load, writing about it can too. As a college student in Utah, I felt like I had absolutely nobody to talk to. I didn’t have any trusted friends, and my sisters lived 4 hours away. So I opened up a word document and typed out all of my feelings. Seeing them on written down felt pretty cleansing, as though I could now release all of them. I believe you will feel the same way if you write down your feelings.
Discover your triggers
I don’t always think about death and dying. In fact, I noticed that these thoughts are usually triggered by something else. Extreme stress, fatigue, hunger, and even just random things that people do or say can trigger the suicidal thoughts.
So in addition to the tip before (writing about it), record things that happened before you started having the suicidal thoughts. Did someone say something or treat you a certain way? Were you totally stressed out? Did you feel overwhelmed by something?
By writing down the things that trigger the suicidal thoughts, it makes it easier to know what to avoid and/or let go.
Don’t dwell on it
Suicidal thoughts can last for days. The longest I’ve had to deal with them was probably about 2 weeks, but for some people with severe depression, it can be even longer.
The key to letting go of the suicidal thoughts is to stop dwelling on it. I know that’s hard to say when your brain keeps moving it back to the front of your brain, but as you practice controlling your thoughts and learning strategies to cope, you strengthen your willpower. It makes it easier to stop thinking about suicidal thoughts in the future when you choose it.
Practice self-awareness
Self awareness means that you are conscious of your thoughts, character, and behaviors. Lack of self awareness can make you feel numb, leading to confusion, hopelessness, and even suicide itself.
There are ways to develop self-awareness, such as thinking about thinking.
Really listen to your thoughts and your brain. An example of an internal conversation might look like this. “What am I thinking? Are my thoughts reasonable? If they aren’t, do I have the emotional and mental capacity to be reasonable at the moment? If not, who can I go to for help?”
Let your thoughts be the servant and you the master. You tell them what to think and do.
Don’t be alone
I’ve found that suicidal thoughts stick their ugly heads up when I’m alone. It seems to know that I’m the most vulnerable when I’m alone. I listen to them because I’m not paying attention to something else or being with someone else.
Don’t get me wrong on this. It’s totally ok to be alone, and I enjoy some quiet time to myself. But if you have severe suicidal thoughts, it’s best to find someone and tell them, or reach out to someone. I text my husband and tell him how I’m feeling but I always reassure him that I’m ok because I am self aware and know that the feelings aren’t severe.
I hope something here has helped you with your suicidal thoughts. Thinking about death isn’t something to be afraid of, and you shouldn’t feel bad that those things crop up. However, it is SO important to get the help you need, whether it’s talking to a counselor, friend, family member, church leader, or just calling the suicide prevention hotline.
Developing skills of self awareness and avoiding or overcoming triggers can help you dodge or even completely eliminate suicidal thoughts in the long run.
I am sending all the good vibes and hope your way as you continue your journey through this!
Lots of aloha,
Lei
P.S. If you want to dig a little deeper into strengthening your character to deal with these kinds of things, sign up for my free mini course, 5 Hawaiian Days to Wellness! I promise you’ll love it! And it’s FREE!
Summer brings memories of pool parties, popsicles, barbeques, watermelon, and the hot sun. For those suffering from mental illness, however, summer can quickly become a depressing cycle of feeling left out, alone, and downright miserable. It feels like your summer has no joy. It can also feel like there is something wrong with everything, especially yourself.
To get out of the summer funk, try these 10 tips for a joy-infused summer.
Get outside more
It’s really hot outside during the summer, but that’s a great reason to get out! If you can spend even just 15-20 minutes in the sun, the natural vitamins it provides you can help you feel so much better. One great way to get outside is to go swimming because it’s the perfect combo of hot (the sun) and cool (the water). If you’re not feeling confident because you don’t have the so-called “summer body”, look at it as an opportunity to start loving yourself at this point of your journey.
Plan a trip
This doesn’t have to be a huge, fancy trip. Even just a trip up your local canyon to camp or to a nearby town is good enough. Summer is a great time to travel, and the adventure of traveling can do wonders for your mental health. It can also help you create new, fun memories! Now that’s a joyful summer!
Eat good food
Summer has some of the best foods, from barbecues to ice cream and watermelon. Prepare a special meal this summer for yourself or for others. Serving yourself and others can bring satisfaction and joy into your life.
Take more pictures
These can be selfies, wildlife, nature… anything! Create memories by taking more pictures this summer.
Find water
As a Hawaii girl, I’m always looking for large bodies of water. I absolutely love being near water because 1) it’s beautiful, 2) it’s calming, and 3) it cools me off. Like the first tip, get outside more and stay cool by finding water. It can be a pool, a lake, a reservoir, or the ocean… but find water and play, relax, and enjoy the sun. Don’t forget the sunscreen though! 😛
Try something new
In a nearby town or city, find a new skill to learn or try. There are many fun activities to do that don’t cost very much. Bowling, ax throwing, making art, ceramics, etc are a few of the many fun things you can try. When I lived by myself as a college student, I appreciated that the city had lots of fun things to do. One of the fun things was a chocolate tasting tour. If you’re feeling down, that’s definitely a pick-me-up!
Get enough sleep
Summer days go on forever. The sun rises early and sets late at night, so it’s easy to stay out super late. However, the inconsistency of your schedule can cause a lot of problems—physically, mentally, and emotionally. Be sure to stick to a routine. A late night every once in a while is ok, but every night will keep you feeling drained.
Sleep under the stars
I had the recent experience of sleeping under the stars at Lake Powell. I marveled at their beauty and felt humbled by my experience. It helped remind me of my sense of place. If you feel down and don’t feel like you belong, sleeping under the stars will remind you of a loving God watching over you. That’s enough to boost the joy for your summer and refresh you for the fall and winter months ahead!
Spend a little more time with people
(and less time on the screen)
Our phones take up so much of our lives and time, so unplug for a day or two. Spend more time with people you love and enjoy being with. People have a little more time during the summer to do things, so schedule some dinners or activities to build your relationships. If the thought of getting together with others feels overwhelming, then take it one step at a time. Maybe get together with just one close friend and work your way up to getting together with a few people.
Keep a journal
With all of the memories you’re making this summer, keep record of it. You will be so grateful to look back at the pictures, your feelings, and the activities you did this summer—including the hard stuff you went through. Keeping a journal provides you with an outlet for the good, the bad, and the ugly. But it can mostly help you focus on the most important things in your life. After all, the quote goes:
The most important things in life aren’t things.
As you continue your journey this summer, I hope you can use these tips to bring more joy into your life! Even if you’re at a very difficult point in your life, know that there is always something to feel mahalo for and something that can bring you joy.
I send all the aloha and good vibes your way for a joy-infused summer!
E komo mai! 🌺 I am the author of Aloha State of Mind, a self help book that teaches you how to create paradise wherever you are. My blog, Naturally Aloha, focuses on all things Hawaii: culture, values, food, lifestyle, and more. I hope my writing inspires you to carry aloha with you everywhere! Learn more…
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