When life feels dark, overwhelming, and hopeless, we just want to sit in the corner, hug our knees, and have a good cry. The last thing we can remember is how to be happy. And the thing is, we all want to be happier—and not the temporary happiness from a bowl of ice cream or a good vent to a friend or spouse—but lasting happiness.
So how can you be happy, especially in the darkest times? In the times where you can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel?
There are 3 strategies you can use in these moments of overwhelming grief and sadness… even when things are so hard, and you have every reason to grumble, stomp your feet on the ground, and exclaim, “IT ISN’T FAIR!”
Sometimes life just isn’t fair, but there is always light. There is ALWAYS hope. Here are the 3 strategies you can use to be happy amidst all the stress, the depression, and the darkness.
Put God first
This is the first and absolute key to lasting happiness. I’ve heard people tell me before that God is a priority, but do their actions reflect that? How do you make him a priority?
Daily, consistent actions show your effort and desire to make him first. For example, reading the scriptures and praying everyday shows a great deal of effort to be closer to him. When you wake up in the morning, do you reach for your phone and scroll through social media, or do you get on your knees and acknowledge that you need His help that day?
Do you take the time to ponder and reflect on life’s most important things—the relationships in your life, the way you’re spending your time, the people you could serve? Or do you put “mindless” activities first, or things to keep you “busy”?
How would putting God first really benefit me?
You recognize the things that matter most, and begin to see that God’s plan is more beautiful, more perfect, and more grand than you ever imagined. Even when things feel unfair or depressing, your heart will be filled with gratitude for the gift of life, the gift of another day…
I found that when I focused on God, he placed people in my life to uplift and support me. Sometimes these were complete strangers. Back in Hawaii, as I went through some hard things, I met so many amazing individuals and families. I felt in my heart that God was looking out for me. He was lifting my burdens through others and even myself. I know the same can happen for you. When you put him first, you feel his love, discover your divine worth, and begin to see his grand plan for you. Whenever I look back at that difficult time in my life, I see God there helping me every step of the way. Acknowledge his hand, put him first, and he will “direct thy paths.”
Live with purpose
When hard times come, it might feel like your purpose is lost in the fray. I know this because even I lost sight of my purpose for a while. I felt that my purpose was to pick up the pieces and fix the mess that my dad left behind. I didn’t even think I could be a happier person.
But I remember talking to one of my best friends, and she said: “You have to take care of yourself too, you know.” Then it hit me… Amidst all the stress, the pain, and the frustration I’d lost sight of my purpose.
I immediately started doing things to take better care of myself and live with purpose. I spent my mornings at the beach in meditation, prayer, and relaxation. These moments helped me de-stress and find peace in Christ, in nature, and even in myself. #iloveseaturtles
I started writing in my journal even more—recording all my thoughts and ideas. I even started writing a new fantasy book. These were things I loved doing and that helped me feel like I was fulfilling my creative purpose in life.
Discovering Your Purpose
If you’re not sure what your purpose is, go back to the first step and focus on God. He’ll show you what you’re here for. As you grow closer to him, you discover your unique strengths and peace you never knew was possible. Your efforts to be a happier person will come more easily and naturally.
Be intentional in the things you do
If you want to be a happier person, live with intention. Difficulties tend to fog the most important things. For example, financial burdens cause tons of stress and in the midst of that stress, a single mom might use a tone or say something to a child she wouldn’t normally say. Or a 9-5 single working woman might leave work on a Friday night and realize she has no plans—nobody has reached out and she feels so alone. Or basements flood, cars break down, life happens.
These hard times and stresses cause some of life’s darkest moments… the moments of hopelessness, of fear, of failure, of loneliness…
What do you do in these times, when it seems that there is no hope, that there isn’t even the slightest chance of being a happier person?
Intention is key.
Is your intention to continue progressing in your life, despite the difficulties, or to stump your progress by complaining? Many times, our trials in life are caused by the actions of others (like abuse, financial stresses, etc), but control what you can.
When I was alone on Friday nights, I’d make a plan—something that would get my creative juices flowing because that brings me joy—and then I’d follow through. I didn’t just go home and turn on Youtube or a TV show to watch mindlessly. I did something to work towards a better future and a better me.
What about the financial stresses, the accidents, the meltdowns? It’s ok to have a breakdown—every person has their moments. But be intentional—know that it will pass. Stand up, wash your face, come from a place of love and grace, make things right (especially if you lashed out at a loved one), and commit to do better.
You got this sis
I know that the things I’ve outlined here are far easier said than done. But remember, it’s SO worth it! If you truly desire to be a happier person, these three strategies will help you get there. In the comments below, I’d love to here some things you do to be a happier person. 🙂 You deserve to be happy! I am here, cheering you on and sending all the aloha vibes that I can!
I often talk about “coming from a place of love” in my articles and in my life. I figured since I talk about it so much, I should go into even more detail about what this means and how to do it.
Coming from a place of love sounds pretty self-explanatory. However, you’ll be surprised how many times I’ve invited people to come from a place of love, and instead they come from a place of fear.
There’s a scripture that says:
“Perfect love casteth out all fear.”
When we have love for others, ourselves, and God, we see things from a grander perspective. Instead of fearing change, the unknown, rejection, or other common fears of people, we see opportunity, progress, motivation, and adventure, to name a few.
Coming from a place of love puts you in a position of understanding, humility, compassion, and empathy. This is pure aloha. It basically means that you recognize fears for what they are: fears. You see that they can be overcome.
In most of my messages, I invite you to come from a place of love because when you do, you are gentler on yourself. You recognize that you have fears, weaknesses, and you make mistakes—but that isn’t the whole story. In fact, those are just pieces of the story that have helped mold you into who you are. You are an amazing, worthy, beautiful human being with the capacity to love, be loved, and to create change in your world and in the world of others.
When you come from a place of love, you show love for yourself and honor to God for his creation of the unique person of YOU. You recognize that hiccups and bumps happen all along this journey of life, but God still loves you—he always has and always will. You know that no matter your mistakes or weaknesses, he infinitely loves you—why else would he have created you? 😉
So whether you are doing a negativity detox or making an effort to show up in life, come from a place of recognize. See the big picture and recognize that this is just one part of your journey. You are a growing, progressing, and learning individual with the potential to fulfill the measure of your creation.
Negativity is a fact of life because we all experience negative thoughts at one point or another. It’s ok to have them, but if you continue to feed them they can turn into more serious problems like depression or anxiety. If you already have a mental illness then you know that negativity is the common plight—it’s as if it never seems to go away. I’ve found that doing a negativity detox really helped me overcome my depression and to this day it makes my life more enjoyable and satisfying.
When I choose positivity and remove the negativity, I reach my goals quicker because I’m more motivated, excited, and happy. I am more creative and I have more capacity to share light and serve others.
To do a negativity detox, I’ve outlined the simple steps here. To be completely honest, these “simple” steps are MUCH easier said than done. They might take time and practice, but with the intention to change, I know you can do it. I also invite you to come from a place of love. We are often too hard on ourselves, criticizing our every move. Instead of demeaning yourself for mistakes or weaknesses, come from a place of love in recognizing that there is always room for improvement and change. So read on to learn how to do a thorough negativity detox and invite the light and aloha back into your life!
Get grounded
Often we are in our own little headspace, so wrapped up in what’s going on up there that we can’t even focus on what’s really going on in reality. This usually occurs when we feel like we made a mistake, don’t look good, or have a personal weakness that’s hard to overcome.
First of all, you look great. 🙂 Secondly, we all make mistakes and we all have weaknesses—it’s just a fact of life. However, the problem comes when we start replaying our flaws over and over in our heads. We analyze our every move, our every intention…
It’s OK to evaluate yourself and seek to improve but it’s not ok to bash on yourself for it. Definitely make things right if you hurt someone, but from what I’m guessing, you’re like me and bash on yourself for the littlest things: “Did I say the right thing?” “Why did I wear that?” “I looked so stupid…”
The negative self talk can go on and on—I know it because I’ve been there! When you start getting trapped in the headspace, put both feet on the ground, take a deep breath, and then STOP. Consciously stop the negative thoughts right in their tracks.
Continue taking deep breaths. Allow the negative energy to leave your body and replace them with positive, affirmative sentences like, “You did your best out there” or “You look great” or “I learned a valuable lesson.”
Say whatever you need to get the positive energy back. Too often we take the magnifying glass and zoom up on our flaws and weaknesses. Let’s get grounded by taking conscious hold of the magnifying glass and viewing the good things we do.
Align with your purpose
Negativity loves it when we lack purpose. I remember, as a new piano teacher at a local music school, I learned a piano teaching method totally out of my comfort zone. My first few weeks of teaching were difficult. I felt unprepared and didn’t understand the WHY behind some of the piano methods and activities.
When our trainer came to town, we, the piano teachers, loaded him with questions about the curriculum and how it could possibly work. He finally paused us and asked, “Whenever you teach something to your students, ask yourself: ‘What is the purpose?’”
That made me think a lot. Because I didn’t know the purpose–the WHY– behind some of the class activities, it brought negativity in the feelings of uncertainty, insecurity, and discouragement. This also applies to our life. If we just go about everyday, not knowing what our purpose is, then how can we be happy? How can we feel meaningful and satisfied?
I’ve gotten into the habit of frequently asking myself, “How can I fulfill the measure of my creation?” I know that God created me for a reason, and that I have an influence to change the world… but I don’t always know how, so I listen to impressions I receive and follow through with them. I intentionally try to align with my purpose everyday.
I do things that feel right and will influence me in the long term. For me, these things include service, creativity, writing, exercising, and learning. Of course there are things that need to get done like laundry and dishes, but those also help me align with my purpose by providing a clean, organized space for me to create. The mundane tasks also help me to stay disciplined with time. As you align with your purpose, you feel the WHY behind your life and give reason to the things you do. This removes negativity as you finally hit your “feel good” spot, the point where you’re doing what you were created to do.
Collect + Create good energy
There is too much negative energy in the world. Hatred, anger, grudges, guilt… those are all negative feelings. Of course you can turn to Christ for repentance, but we can also learn to avoid the negativity in the first place.
I invite you to evaluate things in your life that bring bad energy. One very clear example of bad energy comes in the form of gossiping. Since I was a little girl, I hated gossip—hate is a very strong word, but I just absolutely loathed it, and I still do. Living in Hawaii, I could hear family gossiping in the kitchen about other family members.
They snickered and mocked appearances, living conditions, and lifestyle choices. I naturally distrusted them for this very reason. Growing up I avoided gossip at all costs. When friends or acquaintances started gossiping, I’d say something positive about the person they talked about and then change the subject.
The energy always changed when I changed the subject. It went from this dark, low, sickly form of energy to positive, empowering energy. There’s an old Cherokee story I heard a while ago that goes like this:
“A fight is going on inside me,” An old Cherokee man said to his grandson.
“It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil – he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.”
He continued, “The other is good – he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you – and inside every other person, too.”
The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, “Which wolf will win?”
The old Cherokee simply replied, “The one you feed.”
I don’t think this needs much explanation—it beautifully illustrates exactly how I feel about creating and collecting good energy. I hope you have the wisdom to consciously choose wisely.
Have an attitude of gratitude
The scriptures frequently say to “pray always without ceasing,” and that seems like an exhausting thought. However, I’ve found that praying without ceasing can mean just having a prayer of gratitude in my heart. In my actions and thoughts, I can express tender appreciation for the many little things he’s given me.
If you need to, write lists of things you’re grateful for. Or, in your personal prayers, just do a full prayer of gratitude. You’ll be surprised at how an attitude of gratitude can help you rise above the negativity.
Surround yourself with good things
I am a fan of beautiful things like nature, poetic writing, and peaceful music. I also love being involved in good activities like service to my spouse, family, neighbors, church, community, and my online community (you!). When you surround yourself with positive, wholesome, uplifting people and activities, you become that. Make time to surround yourself with the wonderful and good things in life.
Watch your thoughts
Like the story about the Cherokee man and his grandson, we can choose our thoughts. Obviously we aren’t immune to things we just happen to experience, like seeing pornography on social media or surviving the abuse from someone else, but we can choose how we react to our experiences. Do you feed the things you’ve seen or experienced? Or do you to choose to let them go and continue forward?
Reliving past hurts can cause negativity too. It can truly stop your growth. I know too many people paralyzed by the pain of a breakup, a divorce, or a perceived failure. These life experiences hurt terribly, but don’t let that be your life story. Learn to rise above the negative thoughts and see things for what they really are. If you feel negatively towards someone, try sending good energy their way. Forgiveness is truly a gift from God.
Seek spirituality
I’ve found that my hope and happiness stem from my faith in Jesus Christ. Knowing who he is, learning about him, and constantly striving to follow his example has brought me the greatest satisfaction in life. If I intentionally seek spirituality, my life is so much better.
Having a morning routine of couple and personal prayer, scripture study, and exercise really gets me into the right mindset for the day. I feel empowered knowing that God loves and approves of me. I know the same can happen for you!
Find balance
Sometimes we become negative by doing too much or too little of something. For example, if we exercise too little, we can gain weight, causing lack of confidence… which leads to negativity towards ourselves. Another example is if we do too much of something—like scrolling through social media—then we become negative and even depressed anytime we can’t do it.
Addictions also cause a huge imbalance for the body and mind. Addiction to drugs, alcohol, pornography, or other degrading and harmful habits can truly degrade the soul and cause darkness in our lives. Addictions cause blindness to the things that matter most in life… because all a person can feel is their desire to have more of the addiction. If you need help with an addiction, I encourage you to seek help.
If your addiction is to something like social media, shopping, Netflix, or food, you can still seek help by getting an accountability buddy, someone who you can account to at the end of the day or week.
By overcoming addictions and finding balance in our lives, we have more capacity to see things from a grander perspective. We see that in order to remove negativity, we need a healthy balance in our lives.
In Conclusion
I know that by following these steps you can bring the positivity and good energy back into your life. These strategies have blessed my life, especially in believing and knowing that we create our destiny. No matter the life circumstances, trauma, mental illness, or abuse, the negativity doesn’t have to last forever. We can create our future by grounding ourselves, having an attitude of gratitude, aligning with our purpose, collecting good energy, seeking spirituality, surrounding ourselves with beautiful and good things, and finding balance.
I wish you love and light on your journey. If you want to join my little tribe of people seeking to improve themselves, be sure to hop onto my instagram @ladyleialoha!
Sending all love + good vibes,
Lei
P.S. If you want to do more for your wellness and positivity, I’ve created a free class to help you strengthen your character, improve relationships, and attain overall wellness! Click here to learn more!
Do you feel like you’re in a slump of life, where things are going OK, but they’re not GREAT? You might not feel very fulfilled or satisfied, even if you’re doing good things. It’s like going through the motions. Maybe you’re a college student doing well in classes but feel empty, a working woman with a successful career but who feels unfulfilled, or a stay-at-home mom that feels discontent with certain aspects of life. It’s hard to know what to do or to pinpoint what exactly might be wrong.
These are the times to intentionally show up in life.
Ask yourself: Do I want to get out of the emotional, physical, spiritual, or mental slump I’m in? Do I want to get more out of life? Do I want to be happier and find pleasure and satisfaction in the good things I’m already doing?
There’s a way out of these feelings of boredom, of dissatisfaction, and/or of the slump we all get into. To live with more joy and satisfaction, you will find that showing up in life is the answer. Those who show up in life are mindful, present, observant, and motivated. The following guidelines will help you show up in life and become your best, present, unique YOU.
Be creative
I love the word “creative” because we are all creators. In fact, I truly believe in this cliche but timeless statement:
I believe we create what we become. If you want to be an author, a broadway actor, or a CEO, you have the power to create your future. If you want to be more kind, patient, or loyal, you have the power to create you.
As an example, when I had depression, all I wanted was to be happy. I literally just wanted to feel joy and satisfaction for the things I did—because I did many good things for other people and myself. So I created solutions to my problems. Whenever depression crept up with some new tactic to tear me down, I created a solution (which later helped me to write this Ebook about overcoming depression naturally).
I didn’t have all the answers—nor did the internet or people—because every person has different circumstances. But I did have creativity, and so do you. So if you want to become an author, an astronaut, or something in between but have no formal experience, YOU are the only thing in your way if you never start somewhere. Make your dreams happen by creating opportunities from obstacles, growth from failure, and joy from experience.
Rekindle your Passion
If something that once interested and fascinated you got put on the back burner of your mind, it’s time to bring that to the front and rekindle it. If you can’t remember what gets the fire burning in your soul, check out these questions to find and create you.
By rekindling your passions, you will find a zest for life that you didn’t have before. Doing something you love—whether it’s playing the piano, exercising, or creating something—will foster creativity and feed your soul.
Set goals
If you’ve never tried goal-setting, showing up in life means it’s time to start right now. What are some things you always wanted to do but never had the time or resources? Create opportunities to do these things by setting goals and making plans. If you’re having trouble reaching these goals, think SMART: Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant, and Timely.
Create reasons for joy
Sometimes we get into this funk where nothing makes us happy. When I get sick or nauseous and have no appetite, I feel SO bummed out. Food is one of my little happy places and if I can’t enjoy food, then what can I enjoy? Whether you’re just burnt out from something, or if you feel like the happiness has been sucked out from a regular activity (like playing with the kids, spending time with your spouse, eating, sleeping, etc), create reasons for joy.
With my example of feeling sick from food, I look at the things I’m grateful for. I’m grateful for my body, I’m grateful for the times I feel well and can eat food. I create reasons to have joy even if I don’t feel well enough to eat.
I also distract myself from things I can’t do by doing the things I can. With this food example, I’ll usually just write, talk to my husband, or just rest my stomach so I can feel better. This helps me have joy even if I’m not feeling the best.
Express gratitude
Sometimes life just feels heavy. Whether you’re watching the kids at home or studying for a test, you might feel a little empty inside without any reason. You could have all the things you need: a home, faith in God, food, loved ones… but you just don’t feel right inside.
In moments like these, the best thing to do is express gratitude. Whether you specifically tell someone thank you for something they’re doing, say a prayer to mahalo ke Akua, or write a gratitude list, showing appreciation brings a renewal of light to your soul.
You can express gratitude for even the littlest things, like running water and electricity, a healthy body, clothes, food, snuggles, or certain smells… the list could go on. I wrote tons of lists, especially during depression. These lists helped me see things in a bigger perspective and recognize that I have so many blessings in my life. They also helped me reflect on times I didn’t have the little things, and how merciful and mindful God has been in my life. Once I learned how to appreciate the smallest things in my life, each day became a day of Thanksgiving, a celebration of life, beauty, and faith—even on the hardest days.
Be present
The words “show up” usually apply to attending parties and get togethers. I hate it when people say things like, “You showed up!” in general because it’s always been difficult for me to attend big gatherings—and I know I’m not the only one with that problem. I have surprised myself when I “showed up” to big parties, reunions, or events. As an introvert and empath, talking to and being surrounded by lots of people exhausts me.
Despite having difficulties with big groups, I’ve found that I’ve made the most of my time at big gatherings by being present. Instead of sitting on my phone and scrolling through messages I’ve already seen, or staring out the window, or finding a place of quiet (although these are all good strategies to use if you need to), I was pleasantly surprised to make great memories by interacting with others and even meeting new people.
The same principle applies to our own lives. To show up in life means being present. Instead of spending tons of time scrolling through social media or messages, or mindlessly listening to music or watching too much entertainment, what if you spent more time being there for others? Or being there for yourself? How have you fed your soul?
I read a church talk recently where the speaker said that in life we have “opportunity costs,” meaning that we can be doing things that are good (social media and other forms of entertainment can definitely be good), but we could be doing things that are better. By spending time on mindless activities, we sacrifice the opportunity to do other things. Our temporary pleasure costs us present and future opportunities.
So instead of mindlessly going about the day, I hope you can eliminate opportunity costs and be present in your life. Make more memories with your loved ones, create the things you love, and learn more skills to bless your life and the lives of others.
A final word
To show up in life really brought vibrancy, love, and light into my life. When I intentionally lived my life by being a creator, rekindling passions, setting goals, expressing appreciation, and being present, I experienced daily joy and power I had not previously experienced. My capacity to serve expanded, my desire to do good increased, and I grew in so many ways (spiritually, mentally, and emotionally). I found more faith in God and appreciation for his blessings. In short, my life became fuller. Whenever I look back at the old me in a slump, I’m so grateful that I decided to show up in life. I hope you can feel that too!
I’d love to hear from you! Write in the comments below: what is one thing that has helped you show up in your life?
Here are some common scenarios that cause overwhelm and burnout around this time of year: Back to school. Half of 2019 is already gone. Finances might be a little tight. And… there’s still SO much left to do!
If you have a mental illness, the feelings of overwhelm and burnout can come on especially quick with these changes and transitions in the schedule. Even if you don’t have a mental illness, transitions, change, and unexpected challenges can lead to tons of stress and overwhelm.
When I did my student teaching, I remember the feelings of stress associated with being a teacher. You just never know what to expect when you walk into a classroom—both the teachers and students. Whether you’re in high school, in college, are a teacher, or a 9-5 worker, it’s easy to feel overwhelmed by the amount of things you have to do. And now that August is here and we’re more than halfway through the year, you might look at your 2019 goals and think, I haven’t done anything!!!
First off, take a deep breath and know that it’s OK. To help put things into perspective, here are some helpful tips to avoid overwhelm and burnout—because they’re both VERY real problems. Overwhelm/burnout can lead to total mental, physical, and emotional exhaustion. It can cause depression and even suicidal thoughts. So… to stay sane and happy, here are a couple of tips to help you avoid overwhelm and burnout.
Stop. Breathe.
With all the commotion of our everyday lives, when was the last time you stopped and took a deep breath? When was the last time you did a really good stretch? Cuddled with your spouse? Closed your eyes for a couple of minutes? Soaked in a tub? Took a nap? Or took a nice long drink of water?
We can get so absorbed in our lives, phones, our work, that we forget the things that matter most. Stillness can help us get out of the floating headspace and re-ground our bodies and minds.
Take a moment to get out in nature and smell the fresh air. Listen to a meditation podcast. Snuggle with your loved one. Remember the most important things in your life and breathe it all in.
What’s on your mind?
One SUPER helpful thing to try is writing lists. This may sound so basic but it really works! Some people call it a brain dump. All you have to do is write a list of the things on your mind. You can then number them, with #1 being the most important thing to do or get done.
Overwhelm and burnout usually comes on because we spend so much time storing information in our brain… when, really, an easier way to let that all go is simply writing it down.
I’m literally baffled by people who don’t use planners. “HOW do you stay organized?” I wonder. Or how can they possibly remember all the things they need to do? My solution to the brain chaos is having a planner and organizing my life.
I imagine mental notes as things in a room. The more stuff you hold onto, the stuffier the room gets. By writing down your thoughts and mental notes, it’s like letting go of all the clutter in the brain “room” so you can focus on the things that matter most. Whatever you have to write on, do it and let all those thoughts free!
What are the most important things?
Like the first tip, overwhelm and burnout are usually caused by fixing our view on things less important. Sometimes we might even procrastinate the things that bring us the greatest joy (here’s one of my favorite TED talks about this). Whether you “plan” on one day budgeting, on improving a relationship with a loved one, working out, or whatever else that brings joy and meaning into life, today is the best day to start. Everytime I want to procrastinate something that will bring me satisfaction and joy, I think of this:
It doesn’t matter that we’re more than halfway through the year, or if you’ve already “failed” your New Years Resolution. What matters is that you try. Better late than never. Choose to let this be the last day of your procrastinating the most important things in life.
Prioritize. Plan. Pray.
The 3 P’s can really improve your life. Similar to brain dumping, just write out all the things you have to do and then prioritize. Prioritize the things that matter most in your life and what goals you want to accomplish, and then make plans to do them! Finally, pray for help from God. I’m a firm believer that if you pray for something and follow through with it to show you’re putting forth your effort, then the good things will happen. I also believe that if it’s not the right path for you, God will let you know. He can also help you feel comfort in times of huge stress. I’ve found that when I pray, I receive impressions of things I need to stop worrying about—because, in the long run, they’re usually things that won’t matter at all.
To be totally honest, I sometimes get overwhelmed with dishes and household chores. They just feel like extra things to do on top of my usual duties of blogging, writing, and my day job. My husband helps me with stuff, but I’m kind of OCD so everything has to be clean—no dishes in the sink before I leave for work, no crumbs on the floors, etc… To help me avoid overwhelm when it comes to the “busy” stuff, I’ve learned to clean as I go.
While you’re cooking, clean up the dishes you used to cook, and then after you’re done eating you have WAY less dishes to wash! When you finish the loads of laundry and have a big basket of clothes waiting to be folded, set a time to do it—I like to take breaks between my blogging/writing and I just do it then. The more you plan ahead and set time for things, the easier it will all be for you in the long run!
Take advantage of your mornings
It seems that every person I’ve met has admitted that mornings are the most productive time of their day. I find this is the same for me. I have a morning routine where I get plenty of things done and enjoy it too! Morning routines can be joyful, exciting, and just set the right mood for your day. If you don’t have a morning routine, I encourage you to try one and stick to it—you might even surprise yourself with how much you enjoy it!
I hope these tips help with the overwhelm and burnout you experience. Remember that you still have time—you always have time—to improve and reach your goals. By slowing down, recognizing the things that matter most in your life, and breathing, you’ll be surprised by how much more you get done! And how fulfilled you will feel.
We all have those people in our lives who we absolutely love, but they can’t seem to progress in life. Feeling sorry for them, we listen because it feels like one bad thing after the next happens to them. Sometimes we offer counsel, cry with them, empathize with, and feel their pain. Sometimes, we might even honestly think: Maybe this is too much for me… Maybe I need to let go or say no.
But we feel sorry for them, as they just never seem to overcome their obstacles. Soon, we realize that we’re falling back and dragging behind with them. We dread the exhaustion that comes after hanging out with them.
For those of us with depression, anxiety, or mental illness, we know that it truly helps to have a listening ear and empathizing heart. We treat others with kindness, love, and empathy because that’s what we find helpful in our situations. Also, sometimes, we know that there aren’t always people available to us, so we try to be as available as possible to others fighting their own demons.
However, there are limits to this.
When it gets to the point where our “friends” start to drag us down by making the same mistakes, not trying new things, or being negative all the time… it’s time to let go or say no.
These are two approaches you can take with relationships in your life. I’ll admit that both of these approaches are difficult at first–especially since we naturally want to help–but it’s totally worth it. Learning to balance and respect yourself comes with its benefits. Here are two ways to know when to let go or say no, and how to do it.
Let Go
You know those people who abuse others—it doesn’t even have to be physical, verbal, or emotional. It can be abusive of other peoples’ time and resources. As an example, I once knew a nice girl with plenty of problems: health wise, financially, and romantically. She just struggled in these things so much, that after a long time of listening, empathizing, and offering advice, I realized that the things I said went in one ear and went out the other.
I constantly built her up, encouraged her confidence, and gave her some pretty good life and dating advice. However, she never changed. She kept doing the same things, expecting different results.
“Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”
-Albert Einstein
Because of her unwillingness to progress and change, staying in her murky water of negativity and laziness, I was going insane. I genuinely wanted to help her, but she just refused to change. Our visits became a daily dose of complaints and rants of how the world had totally mistreated her.
This absolutely killed me inside. No matter what I did or said, she made a choice to stump her progression. I couldn’t do it anymore.
I had to let go.
Can you think of a similar relationship? Is there someone who drags you down by abusing something of yours?
Letting go is easier in some situations than others. If you’ve been in an abusive relationship and feel tied to it,
Remember that by letting them rely on you, you’re creating a crutch for them. By letting them abuse and use you, you’re stopping their progression and your own. #toughlove but it’s true. They need to learn positive self reliance, and they won’t learn that by relying on you. Let go.
Sometimes you can tell the person you’re taking a break, you can just cut all ties (I suggest doing this in really abusive situations), or visiting less frequently. It looks different for every relationship, but I encourage you to feel what might be the best thing.
Don’t stress too much about it though, because, honestly, you probably know deep down inside what’s the best thing to do. Sometimes you’ll realize that letting go might not be best–because you have such a good relationship–so you can set boundaries and say no (read on for more info on that ;)).
Say No
This alternative method differs from letting go because you still keep in contact with the people you say no to. You preserve the relationship, however, you set boundaries. For example, I had a friend who suffered from severe depression and anxiety. As in the previous example, and as an empath, I naturally wanted to help her and I started helping too much—yes, there’s such a thing.
I know I’m not the only one who has this personal flaw/weakness. Many people with mental illnesses possess this trait because we’re in so much pain. If we can alleviate someone else’s suffering, deep down we hope it will alleviate our own pain. This is true, as service brings rich and satisfying feelings. However, it’s not true when we go too far, letting other people rely on us for everything.
In this case, I gave so much of my time and energy, something very emotionally draining for me, as someone with depression and an introvert. This woman had financial and family problems that never seemed to end. She never asked for money, but she asked for constant advice and sometimes even yelled when she was mad. I could hardly stand the angry vibes. Even though she wasn’t yelling at me, she looked directly at me, in total disbelief of her situation, and I always felt like she was, indeed, yelling at me. I left our visits totally drained and a little upset.
After a while of this, I knew I had to say no. She was such a nice person and someone I wanted to keep a relationship with, but there were just certain things she did that I couldn’t handle. With some (or all–depends on who you are and your situation) people, we need boundaries.
With her, I had to allow myself to say no. For the longest time, I felt obligated to visit, to listen, to stop by whenever I received the text, “Are you home?” but then I gave my permission to say no. Even if I was available, I didn’t have to respond to her perceived crisis (because she had plenty of them).
I gave myself permission to set boundaries and say YES to things when I felt comfortable, rejuvenated enough, and emotionally well. I didn’t have to do certain things when I didn’t feel well.
These were the boundaries I set for myself. I didn’t tell her about my decisions to “say no” to her constant requests—as most counselors and therapists might suggest—I just made a very conscious decision and stuck with it. She caught on.
If you feel the need to tell people your boundaries, that’s totally ok. Personally, I feel most comfortable giving myself permission to set boundaries and sticking to them, saying no to people and things when it doesn’t feel right to me. This allows me to keep my friends but not force myself to do things I don’t feel good doing. Doing this gave me a lot of freedom and permission to take control of my circumstances.
Conclusion: Let go or say no
I hope you’ve been able to identify some of your relationships that lack the positivity, goodness, and energy you need. Of course everyone has their bad days, but be aware of what you can and can’t handle, and be ok with it too.
If you are looking to improve your overall wellness, check out my FREE 5 Hawaiian days to wellness class. You will find more strategies for improving your overall wellness and daily happiness. You got this!
It can be super overwhelming to do a general Google search of “self care,” only to find list after list of things you NEED to do RIGHT NOW. I remember when I had depression really bad. Trying to do all of these good self care things quickly led to overwhelm and burn out.
The thing is… self care is NOT supposed to lead to burn out! If you’re getting stressed by trying to take care of yourself, then you’re doing it wrong (like me a couple years back). It took me a second to realize that the little things I did WERE my self care. No brainers, like drinking water and exercising daily, needed to happen for me to sustain a healthy body and mind.
So there’s definitely an easier way to take care of yourself—very simple, easy, and fun ways to take care of yourself. I’ve narrowed it down to the very basics. If you can nail each one of these things every day, you’re off to a GREAT start. You can add more things later, but just get started with these few things. 🙂
The simple self care checklist
Wake up on time
Work out for at least 30 minutes
Drink 2 liters of water
Talk to or smile at someone
Limit my social media use
Read something educational or inspiring
Do something you enjoy
Get to bed on time
And that’s it! If you just started your journey of self care, remember to keep it simple. I designed this list to help you do just that. I also designed a free course that goes into a little more detail on self care and self love. If you’re looking for something a little more intensive, try out my free 5 Hawaiian Days to Wellness email course. It is packed with Hawaiian values that will inspire you to live your best life and be your best self.
Lately I’ve been throwing this question around: “Am I enough?” As I work on a new Ebook to help people overcome depression and as I create content for my blog, I wonder if I’m even “good enough” or “qualified enough” to write such things. Sometimes I hit a wall—a direct result of ptsd and depression—where I think to myself: I haven’t seen, done, or experienced enough to ever be “good enough.” I’ll never be “good enough” to help people the way I want.
But then I stop and listen to that statement. That’s SO not true! I’ve helped so many people in my life by sharing my experiences, listening, and teaching simple principles to improve the quality of their lives.
So I want you to listen to me right now…
You ARE enough.
Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Remind yourself that you are enough, and believe it. We, as women, are incredibly hard on ourselves! My husband always tells me, “You’re so kind to other people, but you don’t allow yourself that kindness.”
Give yourself the kindness and credit you deserve. Obviously you can’t feel good if you’re not making the best choices, but we all make mistakes so if you need to improve, that’s ok!
When we come across challenging situations, or when we interact with others, we have a tendency to leave the situation or interaction feeling like we hadn’t done enough. We put a magnifying glass to our weaknesses, seeing only the things we “did wrong.” We evaluate every flaw, holding the magnifying glass so close that the flaws and weaknesses are completely exaggerated and blown out of proportion.
But what if we consciously took the magnifying glass in our head and looked at the strengths?
For example, I have a major struggle when it comes to family. PTSD and anxiety from past traumas have me feeling like I can’t trust anyone and that family will always be toxic. After my parent’s divorce, I lost contact with all of my extended family (except my immediate siblings and mom). However, marriage brought on a whole other family: in-laws.
I love my in-laws but it was really difficult for me at first (sometimes it still is). I would go to events kicking and screaming internally—my husband never forced me to go to anything, but I was so caught up in feeling obligated that we’d go anyways.
When we were with the in-laws, I’d smile and genuinely try to ask questions and get to know people. This was VERY difficult for me because internally I felt irritated and anxious, like they were hiding something up their sleeves. In my head, I imagined they asked me questions to use as ammo against me. I always answered and held surfacey, but cordial conversations.
After the family events, I’d usually cry on the way home or shut down. All I could see were my huge flaws and weaknesses on replay after replay… They were totally blown out of proportion. My head would say things like, You looked so stupid. They didn’t actually want to talk to you—they just felt obligated to talk to you. You’ll never be ok around family…
Yes, those are my weaknesses. I certainly feel that people talk to me out of obligation sometimes. And yes, I don’t ever really feel comfortable around family. But! But when I take a hold of the magnifying glass and look at the strengths I recognize the good things I did.
I was kind, patient, and cordial. I smiled and answered graciously. I asked questions with a genuine intent to listen and understand—even if they replied with short, awkward answers. And a huge success was that I tried! Family is a weakness of mine but I was totally there trying and doing my best.
When I zoomed out and saw the whole picture—the replay of my interactions with others, I couldn’t help but feel proud of myself. Yes, I have weaknesses, but I have strengths too. That helps me to feel good enough.
You are good enough
It’s so easy for us to feel bad for the skills we lack, or by our weaknesses and flaws. But when you take a hold of that magnifying glass in your head, you will see the beautiful and wonderful things you do.
You are totally enough!
Ask God
I’m a firm believer that if you ask God what he thinks about you, you can’t go wrong. After all, he, the divine creator, created YOU! He loves you so much. You will feel love beyond measure, and recognize that your worth isn’t dependent on what others think of you. You are enough for you, and you are enough for God.
Focus on the good, have aloha for yourself, and rise above the feelings of self-doubt. You were made to do incredible things, and so go forward with excitement, knowing this:
P.S. I made these cute wallpapers for you to download and use as a screensaver on your phone—just a little reminder in case you forget. 😉 To save the wallpaper, click on the image you want. It will take you to a new page. Right click (or hold the picture on phone) and select “save image.” And then you have a new wallpaper! 🙂
Hawaiian self care seems self explanatory, especially if you live in Hawaii or get to travel to Hawaii often. With the free access to beaches, the delicious food, and the aloha spirit abounding, Hawaiian self care in Hawaii seems like an easy task. However, for the majority of people, with all the bustle, stress, and busy-ness of everyday life, it’s easy to get overwhelmed and burnt out.
This is a huge reason that a lot of people visit Hawaii. They want to “take a break” from the daily grind and refresh. But what if going to Hawaii just isn’t the option at the moment? What if you could experience something a little more Hawaiian and practice self care at the same time?
If you need to take a break and want to experience just a bit of paradise, here are some Hawaiian traditions you need to try for self care!
Lomi lomi
Lomi lomi is the Hawaiian way of massage, where you basically use your fingers and hands to tenderly massage and relax the muscles. Lomi loom does not include hand chopping or intensity. Lomi lomi encourages a sense of aloha for yourself and your body. Giving lomi lomi to your special someone (or receiving it) is also a wonderful way to build lokahi, unity, in your relationship.
Cooking food
Hawaiians LOVE food, and what better way to refresh and relax than cooking up a good meal? Try something new or make one of your favorite meals. Healthy and whole foods are another great way to take care of yourself.
Talking Stories
In Hawaii, people relax and rejuvenate by talking stories. Is there someone you enjoy talking to, who you can just laugh and share your stories with? Whether that person is a family member, a friend, or even an acquaintance, “talking stories” is a great way to unwind.
Kanikapila
Is music your jam? Kanikapila involves a group of people bringing their fav instruments (usually the portable ones like guitars and ukuleles) and having a jam sesh. Even if you’re not the greatest singer, or you’re learning an instrument, kanikapila with good friends can unload a ton of stress.
Listen to the sounds of nature
Hawaii is known for the beautiful natural sites, like waterfalls, white sandy shorelines, and lush green mountains. Perhaps you don’t have all of these luxuries where you live, but just going out and spending time listening to the sounds of nature can soothe the wearied soul.
Take time for spirituality
Hawaiians are a very spiritual people, looking to a higher source for wisdom and support. Take a moment to reflect on the blessings God has given you. Living mahalo can increase stamina and overall health.
I wish you well on your journey of self care and hope these Hawaiian traditions will help you!
E komo mai! 🌺 I am the author of Aloha State of Mind, a self help book that teaches you how to create paradise wherever you are. My blog, Naturally Aloha, focuses on all things Hawaii: culture, values, food, lifestyle, and more. I hope my writing inspires you to carry aloha with you everywhere! Learn more…
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