When I first met my husband, I was pleasantly surprised at how well we worked together. He always took initiative, made me laugh, and expressed genuine interest in my passions. He always communicated with me, sharing ideas, opinions, and thoughts. Meanwhile, I did the same for him. I knew that if we wanted a strong marriage, there had to be balance between both of us. We haven’t even been married for a year, but everyday I am impressed with principles of lōkahi that help couples become more united, including myself.
Lōkahi is one of my favorite Hawaiian words, meaning unity, oneness, togetherness. Those who practice lōkahi seek peace, compassion, forgiveness, and understanding in their relationships. Whether you are new in a relationship, engaged, or married, here are 10 lovely ways to build lōkahi in your relationship!
1. Talk to one another.
Communication is the biggest key in creating harmony and unity. The silent treatment is a mark of immaturity and selfishness. What is the use in not telling the other person how you feel? Your significant other can’t read your mind—they can feel the vibe, but what can they do if you refuse to speak? The way to building trust is to learn to speak your mind calmly, maturely, and genuinely. Make a commitment now not to raise your voice. You will be surprised at how effective and wonderful communication is when you commit to staying calm and to express love, even when things are controversial.
2. Spend time.
Whether you are doing chores or sitting on the couch together, spending time is a key to building unity. But take note: it isn’t about how much time you spend together, but how you spend your time together. Lōkahi isn’t won through being together yet staring at phone screens, it is built and fostered with love, kindness, creativity, and learning about one another.
3. Go on weekly dates.
They don’t need to be expensive—in fact, they don’t even need to cost money! Go on a hike, walk along the shore, or just take a walk down the street. Make a special dinner together, watch a movie, or do whatever you love. But make it special because it is a date!
4. Do things together: chores, appointments, etc.
Even the mundane stuff can be fun when you choose to do things together. When you cheerfully help your significant other with the “boring” stuff, you are making healthy deposits in their emotional bank deposit (find more about this by reading The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People). You are showing them that you care so much about them, you’re willing to help with even the littlest of things! But, with this comes a warning. Don’t help someone if the purpose is to manipulate or to get “points” that they’ll have to one day repay you. A healthy relationship is built on the tiny, genuine acts of kindness.
5. Try new things.
This is one of the best suggestions from my own experience and from observing others. Trying new things helps you learn more about your loved one, and they learn more about you too! Whether it is traveling to a new place, learning a new skill, trying out a new restaurant, or even just trying out different career options, if you do it together, you will discover things that work beautifully in your relationship, new traditions, and you will have wonderful, shared memories that can last forever.
6. Plan and do workouts together.
Couples who workout together stay together. I heard of a woman who cautioned against going to the gym alone. She said that too many cases of infidelity start with just going to the gym alone, either to get away from a spouse or significant other or to just workout alone. Unfortunately, I’ve seen it firsthand at the gym: married men talking to other women for long amounts of time, or people just flaunting their bodies.
When I used to go to the gym as a young single adult, my favorite thing to see was an older couple using the ellipticals next to eachother. I used to think to myself, that’s right. I’m not saying every married person who goes to the gym alone is sinning. No, not at all! Just be careful, and “avoid the appearance of evil.” If you go to the gym alone, would you be ok if your loved one saw a rerun of your whole gym experience? My husband and I make and do our own workouts, and they are so much fun. Having someone to workout with is greatly motivating and makes the workout go by faster!
7. Create a vision plan or goals.
When you are spiritually on the same page, it makes it easier to be on the same page with everything else. Having the same spiritual goals does a lot to build both of your characters. After you have the same spiritual goals, set goals for other aspects of your life and what you would like to accomplish together.
8. Participate in and support your partner’s hobbies.
Whether they love music, dance, sports, reading, or writing (like me!) take interest in the things that interest them. You don’t have to love it, but if you show genuine interest and learn why they love it, it will help you understand them better. And, in most cases, it will help you like and support their interests better!
9. Surprise them.
Do a random scavenger hunt, plan a surprise date, or do something fun for them that they didn’t expect. YOU will be surprised how much little things like this can mean so much to your loved one!!
10. Express love. Aloha, aloha, aloha….
Above all, aloha is key. Express love for your spouse, fiance, or girlfriend/boyfriend as much as you can. Let them know how much you appreciate them, and how much they mean to you. You may regret being silent, but you will never regret expressing love to someone else. I hope something here will inspire you to build lōkahi in your relationship!
Love,
Lei
