When I first met my husband, I was pleasantly surprised at how well we worked together. He always took initiative, made me laugh, and expressed genuine interest in my passions. He always communicated with me, sharing ideas, opinions, and thoughts. Meanwhile, I did the same for him. I knew that if we wanted a strong marriage, there had to be balance between both of us. We haven’t even been married for a year, but everyday I am impressed with principles of lōkahi that help couples become more united, including myself.
Lōkahi is one of my favorite Hawaiian words, meaning unity, oneness, togetherness. Those who practice lōkahi seek peace, compassion, forgiveness, and understanding in their relationships. Whether you are new in a relationship, engaged, or married, here are 10 lovely ways to build lōkahi in your relationship!
1. Talk to one another.
Communication is the biggest key in creating harmony and unity. The silent treatment is a mark of immaturity and selfishness. What is the use in not telling the other person how you feel? Your significant other can’t read your mind—they can feel the vibe, but what can they do if you refuse to speak? The way to building trust is to learn to speak your mind calmly, maturely, and genuinely. Make a commitment now not to raise your voice. You will be surprised at how effective and wonderful communication is when you commit to staying calm and to express love, even when things are controversial.
2. Spend time.
Whether you are doing chores or sitting on the couch together, spending time is a key to building unity. But take note: it isn’t about how much time you spend together, but how you spend your time together. Lōkahi isn’t won through being together yet staring at phone screens, it is built and fostered with love, kindness, creativity, and learning about one another.
3. Go on weekly dates.
They don’t need to be expensive—in fact, they don’t even need to cost money! Go on a hike, walk along the shore, or just take a walk down the street. Make a special dinner together, watch a movie, or do whatever you love. But make it special because it is a date!
4. Do things together: chores, appointments, etc.
Even the mundane stuff can be fun when you choose to do things together. When you cheerfully help your significant other with the “boring” stuff, you are making healthy deposits in their emotional bank deposit (find more about this by reading The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People). You are showing them that you care so much about them, you’re willing to help with even the littlest of things! But, with this comes a warning. Don’t help someone if the purpose is to manipulate or to get “points” that they’ll have to one day repay you. A healthy relationship is built on the tiny, genuine acts of kindness.
5. Try new things.
This is one of the best suggestions from my own experience and from observing others. Trying new things helps you learn more about your loved one, and they learn more about you too! Whether it is traveling to a new place, learning a new skill, trying out a new restaurant, or even just trying out different career options, if you do it together, you will discover things that work beautifully in your relationship, new traditions, and you will have wonderful, shared memories that can last forever.
6. Plan and do workouts together.
Couples who workout together stay together. I heard of a woman who cautioned against going to the gym alone. She said that too many cases of infidelity start with just going to the gym alone, either to get away from a spouse or significant other or to just workout alone. Unfortunately, I’ve seen it firsthand at the gym: married men talking to other women for long amounts of time, or people just flaunting their bodies.
When I used to go to the gym as a young single adult, my favorite thing to see was an older couple using the ellipticals next to eachother. I used to think to myself, that’s right. I’m not saying every married person who goes to the gym alone is sinning. No, not at all! Just be careful, and “avoid the appearance of evil.” If you go to the gym alone, would you be ok if your loved one saw a rerun of your whole gym experience? My husband and I make and do our own workouts, and they are so much fun. Having someone to workout with is greatly motivating and makes the workout go by faster!
7. Create a vision plan or goals.
When you are spiritually on the same page, it makes it easier to be on the same page with everything else. Having the same spiritual goals does a lot to build both of your characters. After you have the same spiritual goals, set goals for other aspects of your life and what you would like to accomplish together.
8. Participate in and support your partner’s hobbies.
Whether they love music, dance, sports, reading, or writing (like me!) take interest in the things that interest them. You don’t have to love it, but if you show genuine interest and learn why they love it, it will help you understand them better. And, in most cases, it will help you like and support their interests better!
9. Surprise them.
Do a random scavenger hunt, plan a surprise date, or do something fun for them that they didn’t expect. YOU will be surprised how much little things like this can mean so much to your loved one!!
10. Express love. Aloha, aloha, aloha….
Above all, aloha is key. Express love for your spouse, fiance, or girlfriend/boyfriend as much as you can. Let them know how much you appreciate them, and how much they mean to you. You may regret being silent, but you will never regret expressing love to someone else. I hope something here will inspire you to build lōkahi in your relationship!
In Hawaii, ‘imi ola means to seek life in its highest form. Throughout my journey of seeking the highest, I chose mentors along the way. As a college student studying in Provo, Utah, I realized that I was incredibly lonely. I didn’t have very many friends, I didn’t have a car, and I didn’t have much money. I had a small vision of what I wanted my life to look like, but I didn’t know how to get there. I knew I needed help, or at least some source of support. I needed someone I could talk to that would give me honest feedback but not belittle me.
To fill my need of help, support, and wisdom, I sought a mentor. I chose one of my BYU professors. With his gentle counsel and wise words, I began to better navigate my journey of school, spirituality, and career. What did I really want to do? Who did I really want to be? He was a published author, popular in the world and popular at the college. He had lived in Hawaii for years, and his ability to relate to my feelings helped me at a time I felt nobody understood. I wanted to be a writer, like him, and his example inspired me to pursue my passions and use God’s help in my life.
Each time I stopped by his room, especially at times when I felt very down, I always left uplifted and edified. He never said anything contrary to the truth, and he had a sense of humor that made me feel better. He was a very spiritual person and helped me keep an eternal perspective.
Having a mentor helped direct me to the path I’ve taken now. I’ve selected a few mentors for the different facets of my life. I have a mentor for my blog, my life decisions, and my spirituality. Robert D. Hales has said, “If you want more than you now have, reach up, not across!” In another article I will share how to pick a mentor, but for now it’s important to know why you should have a mentor. From my experience with mentors, here are the 6 key reasons to have a mentor.
1. You need someone who has taken the path you are taking
No matter how much experience you have in life, sometimes you just need someone who knows how to get where you want to go. Whether you are trying to become someone more spiritual or pursuing a career path, a mentor can help you get there. As I said before, I have mentors to help me improve and get my blog to where I want it to be. I have mentor whom I admire deeply for her spiritual resilience and deep wisdom. They’ve given me information and perspective that helped me reach my goals faster and more efficiently.
2. You need someone who will listen
A mentor listens to everything you have to say. When I talk with my mentors, it feels like I’m blabbing my head off because I know they truly care. Mentors don’t think about what they’re going to say as you speak. They listen and give counsel, answer questions, or offer help if you ask for it. Mentors never impose, they only give the strength and direction when asked.
3. You need a support system
When you feel like giving up, a mentor will be there to encourage, uplift, and edify.
4. You need someone with maturity
Emotions can get in the way of maturity. When someone becomes mixed in emotions, they tend to lean towards immaturity. They tend to be unreasonable. A mentor can help you get through the fog of emotions and face your challenges with maturity.
5. You need someone with perspective
The greatest blessing of my mentors has been the perspective they’ve given me. When they share life experiences, especially those that involve handling stress, overcoming challenges, and strengthening relationships, they have shown me what it took for them to become who they are now. It wasn’t easy, as nothing worth it ever is, but the rich rewards that come from strength of character, honesty, and compassion are treasures no thing can ever replace.
6. You need someone who can give sound advice
My mentors have given me some of the greatest advice I’ve had in life. From counsel on marriage, spirituality, strength of character, and choosing a career, the words and genuine care I’ve received from my mentors continue to inspire me.
If you want help, inspiration, and direction in your life, then look for a mentor. Find someone who can help you along your journey. And remember, always “reach up, not across.”
‘Imi ola means to seek life in its highest form. As we take this journey of learning to balance our lives, we discover that ‘imi ola can help. Seeking life in its highest form means we take action, and that action is learning. If we aren’t learning, how can we improve? How can we discover things we like or don’t like? How can we learn to think for ourselves? How can we seek “life in its highest form?”
Education and learning helps us seek life in its highest form by providing clarity. It can improve our mental health by encouraging our brain to function properly. People who have been through trauma sometimes have a difficult time making connections. I know that several times in my life, the reality of my trauma has hit me hard. At those moments, it was like I hit a mental wall, and the simplest things, like explaining something, talking, or even reading a book became incredibly difficult. It was like I was 2 years old all over again, trying to figure out how to express myself and how to use words.
The thing that saved me was education. Reading books, writing, learning, conversations with teachers and college professors, and doing my best in my classes helped my mind advance far greater and faster than I ever thought possible. My ability to make connections, speak, and write increased. My confidence increased because my knowledge increased.
Education is a key to success
As a young child, I was somewhat disappointed to find out that I would be homeschooled. I really enjoyed Kindergarten. I liked the freedom of leaving home, riding the bus, and being in school. I looked forward to learning, and I loved my teacher, Mrs. Sanders.
Each day, after Kindergarten, I had to go to speech therapy. I had a horrible stutter and I really couldn’t say anything without stuttering for minutes. My little sister came with me because she, too, had speech issues. These therapy sessions were very difficult for me. I felt stupid most of the time, and I wondered if I’d ever stop stuttering. Eventually, I did. But by that time, Kindergarten was over and my parents decided to homeschool us.
I whizzed through the workbooks my parents gave me. I loved science and math, and I loved English and the stories from ancient civilizations. The world fascinated me, and my brain soaked up every bit of knowledge like a sponge.
When I was finally able to go to school, as opposed to being homeschooled, I was a sophomore in high school. I loved school. I loved learning, even when things were hard for me to understand. Science was a weak point, and sometimes English didn’t make sense but I still tried. I wasn’t the brightest student—I got B’s in Math and a C in my AP history class. But I wasn’t about to give up.
Education provides control
My education provided my brain with energy. It became something I could control, because everything else in my life felt out of control. At the time, we lived in a small, homemade house. Our house was in the process of being built, but we were so poor that the neighbors, who owned the property next to ours, offered us to live in their shack while they were on the mainland.
Without running water and electricity, we took baths using the pool water in the backyard and used a generator to charge things. The bathroom was an outhouse on the side of the house, and we cooked food in a box oven or a camping stove. When the generator was running to charge batteries for lights, my siblings and I took turns using the computer. When it was my turn to use the computer, I felt so stressed about wasting gas for the generator that I’d do a poor job of my homework. I eventually never went on the computer because every free minute at school was spent doing homework that was due online.
I worried a lot about food. My mom got a job at local grocery store and brought home clearance items for dinner. I worried a lot about being hungry. I worried about how we were going to get through another week. I worried that my dad was going crazy and my mom was sad. I worried about my siblings and the welfare of their physical, mental, and spiritual health.
But while I worried about all these things, I found power in my education. I knew that if I educated myself and learned as much as I could about the world, then one day my life wouldn’t be like this.
Years later, attending the University of Hawaii at Hilo, I discovered the same thing. Reading literature, studying history, and learning the basic foundations of science and math taught me how the world works, and what it looks like to live a healthy life and have healthy relationships. Participating in deep, rich discussions in my classes helped my brain fog disappear. I studied other cultures, spoke at conferences, worked several part-time jobs, and I read as much as I could about anything. I studied my scriptures and attended church activities with a close friend, balancing my spiritual learning with my temporal learning. All of it helped my brain function at a time it should have just shut down.
As my parents went through an ugly divorce, and the trauma from all of it fogged my brain, I found clarity in learning. Manipulation, toxicity, and lies held no power over knowledge and truth. I knew that with my education, I could process through and above all of the trauma.
Seek for the highest
‘Imi ola means to seek life in its highest form. If we are to seek for life in its highest form, we need to learn what that is and how to get there. Knowledge and learning open the gate to this highest form. I’ve learned what is the highest form and it began with my own diligent search for truth.
Some might read this and say education was a distraction from my problems. I believe that’s true, and I also believe that my education empowered me. It became a pillar of hope for me. My friendships with professors have lasted until this day—they showed me that there are better ways to live. There are better ways to serve and be happy. In my own dark world, it was so difficult for me to see a way out. There were times, in the darkness of my mind, I thought it would be better to just end it all. But the support of my teachers, and the things I learned, helped me see that I could do it.
To bring balance to your life, to empower your brain, and to find hope, start with learning. Read good books, study things that interest you, take notes, record feelings and impressions. If you feel like you don’t have the desire to read, then write. I used to write fantasy novels, and they brought me lots of joy. Writing helps your brain process things. If you don’t have the desire to learn, ask God for the desire. He will help you.
No matter where you are on your journey, seek learning. Whether you decided to read a book, try a new skill, write, or go to class (college or high school), remember that with knowledge, there is power.
I am so grateful for the knowledge I’ve gained through my college career. When I walked with my older sister to receive my diploma, it was much more than a paper. It was literally a life saver. I know that school and “getting an education” may sound old school (get it?), but as I learned to invest time (and money) into it, it paid off, in more ways than one.
Life is full of challenges, and not surprisingly, many of those challenges come in the form of relationships. Even if you’re the kindest person, you might accidentally say or do something that offends someone else. Bridges can be burned, tensions arise, and tempers flare. But whatever caused some disconnect between you and another person, the emotions can leave you feeling sad and, to be honest, quite raw.
We’re so blessed to have the freedom of choice. No matter what other people say or do, choice is such a powerful tool. We can choose to react to the situation, or we can choose to take control and act. An ancient Hawaiian tradition can help with this.
The Ancient Hawaiian Tradition
The ancient Hawaiians had a practice they used when people had any kind of pilikia, or trouble, with someone else, whether that was physically, emotionally, or spiritually. This practice is called Ho’oponopono. Pono is the Hawaiian word for “righteous,” or to “make right.”
People who were at disagreement with each other would gather together to sit and discuss their disputes until they came up with a resolution. There would be a mediator to help facilitate, and people would leave these meetings with feelings of love, forgiveness, and gratitude.
In some places Ho’oponopono, as a meeting, is still used. For example, when I was a newspaper editor at my university in Hawaii, there were some disputes between the editors and the chief editor. The lower editors felt like she was exercising too much power, and not giving them credit for their work. A Ho’oponopono was held and everyone left feeling that their voices were heard and the pilikia, the trouble, was gone and settled.
However, there is another way to use Ho’oponopono, and it doesn’t require everyone to come together. You can say a few key words, which can be done mentally, and direct it towards someone who you might be in conflict with. This is especially helpful for victims of abuse or trauma. Forgiveness can truly free a person from pain, or at least alleviate the pain, and Ho’oponopono is one way to forgive and let the love of God and others pour back into your life.
Ho’oponopono
To start, you would address the person you have pilikia with.
Hello _____ (insert name here).
Then you would say these words:
I love you.
I’m sorry.
Please forgive me.
Thank you.
If you don’t know what you’ve done to that person, you can simply state, “please forgive me for my part.” This is such a powerful thing that can be done anywhere, anytime. You don’t need to state these words out loud. You can say them in your head and direct them to the person you are thinking of, or who you feel has pilikia.
This is a wonderful way to heal. If someone has deeply hurt you, especially those who you are close to and once trusted, doing this encourages forgiveness, repentance, and gratitude. These words can even be used for people that you don’t have pilikia with, serving as a reminder of your love and gratitude for them.
As you say these words, it’s also best to think of Christ. He loves so perfectly, and you can use that love too. I’ve found this ancient Hawaiian practice to be incredibly helpful on my journey of healing, finding inner peace, and feeling happy. I hope you do too!
E komo mai! 🌺 I am the author of Aloha State of Mind, a self help book that teaches you how to create paradise wherever you are. My blog, Naturally Aloha, focuses on all things Hawaii: culture, values, food, lifestyle, and more. I hope my writing inspires you to carry aloha with you everywhere! Learn more…
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