Lōkahi means unity, oneness, and harmony. Those who perfect the art of lōkahi are not afraid of others. In fact, they embrace the differences of others, knowing that people work best when they listen, seek understanding, and come up with the best solution together.
Together is the word that encompasses the spirit of lōkahi. Nature shows us a pattern of working together, as birds fly against the wind in the beautiful shape of the letter V. Dolphins swim in pods, allowing the young ones to swim in the center for protection. Ecosystems work in harmony to produce rain, sunshine, and oxygen, which provide the necessities of life. This is lōkahi.
On a human level, lōkahi is fostering an environment of complete cooperation, where every person in a group recognizes and supports the best decision for everyone. It is, as Stephen Covey describes, a win-win situation. There are no losers with lōkahi; every player of the team works together with the same goal in mind, knowing that each role, no matter the size, is greatly important.
The Lōkahi Challenge
Lōkahi is all about building trustworthy relationships through listening and understanding. It is also having courage to share your own thoughts, trusting that as you are respectful, you will be respected. It is being strong enough to put aside your own prejudices and beliefs to synergize with others and reach powerful solutions.
To begin this challenge, consider whether the following statements are True or False for yourself.
I always have to be in charge or nothing gets done.
I hate team/group projects because nobody does their part.
I work better by myself—that’s just how I am.
I am a quiet person and everybody bosses me around because of it.
I can’t ever share my opinions because people never agree with me.
I have my own goals and don’t need other people to hold me accountable.
After answering true or false for each of these, carefully evaluate the answers that you marked as TRUE. What do these statements say about your beliefs? Do you believe that you are better off working alone? Do you believe that YOU are the only person with all of the answers?
The lōkahi challenge is rigorous, but it will dramatically improve the way you work with others. Try it for one week
1. In any interaction you have with others, make an effort to listen empathetically.
2. If you have some kind of a conflict with another person, make a conscious effort to change the energy through ho’oponopono. If it is someone you interact with regurlarly, such as a spouse, make the effort to share your feelings and don’t point fingers.
3. Write in your journal a list of the relationships you are grateful for, then ask yourself what needs to change in order for the relationships to be strengthened. Do you gossip with one of these people? Do you tend to talk negatively with one of these people? What can you do to change that negativity to become inspiring and uplifting?
Share Your Story
Every person has a unique story, and we’d love to hear yours! How have you felt while doing this challenge? Was there anything that was challenging to you? Was there anything that truly inspired you? Be sure to share in our Hawaii Vibe Tribe Facebook group or use the hashtag #HIVibe on your social media! Replying and commenting on others is also another wonderful way to keep the vibe HI!
Much love,
Lei
Extra: My Story
I’ve always been independent. I’ve never relied on others for help, truly believing that if I didn’t get a certain task done, then it would never get done. I learned quickly that my parents would provide me the necessities of life: food, shelter, but other things like emotional support was a 50/50 gamble.
Because of the inconsistencies I witnessed growing up, I never fully learned to trust people. I would work well with others, usually “losing” through not saying anything, letting people boss me around, not offering my ideas, or just having my own personal goals to accomplish and not letting the group know. Whenever I had group projects, I groaned in anger because I knew that I would always “lose” and end up doing all the work.
However, I began to realize that there IS a better way. I’ve truly learned lōkahi from my husband. Even before we got married he expressed how he wanted to always be in agreement. He said he always wanted to be on the same page, meaning we support each other in our personal and couple goals, we make big decisions together, and we always, always communicate. Having this open discussion and making lōkahi a priority in our marriage has made our lives so much easier and our marriage so much stronger.
I learned that it’s ok to work with other people and that I don’t always have to LOSE. There are win-win relationships, and the more I learned to listen empathetically, the more I am able to achieve win-win with groups. It’s not perfect—people have to want to work together as well, but every effort you make will help your relationships, including your relationship with yourself.
Now go out and bring more unity in your relationships. You got this!
Aloha literally means “the breath of life.” When a person is born into this world, they take their first ha, or their first breath. When a person departs from this world, they breathe their last ha. The word marks the significant and deep moments of reflection, the moments where the only thing that matters is the love and the tenderness of the relationships formed in this life. It’s no wonder, then, that western culture has redefined the word aloha as meaning “hello, goodbye, and ‘I love you.’”
Aloha marks the life and death of a person, but it means more than just “hello” and “goodbye.” The tenderness of feelings that accompany these two significant life events, birth and death, remind us that this truly is our one life to live. We have one chance to breathe love, to breathe goodness, and to breathe light to others.
Thus, aloha is the breath of life. It is the kind of unconditional love that surpasses superficial personalities and weak character. No matter what, a person who lives with aloha has integrity and humility. They understand that nobody is perfect, and every person needs to be loved. They love others just as they love themselves. People are attracted to them—not because they are popular, but because they emit beautiful and pure energy. They are like lights in a dark room. They give love and they receive love.
This way of living aloha is to breathe life, not to just survive life. Those who live aloha appreciate this life. They appreciate the challenges as much as the good times. Aloha becomes them and, in return of their giving aloha, aloha is returned to them. They live a happy life, a peaceful life, and a beautiful aloha life.
The Aloha Challenge
Aloha begins at the core of each person. It begins with a raw, but gentle, evaluation of who we are now. Here are some questions to ask yourself to find out where you are in living aloha.
Do I listen to others with the intent to respond?
Do I seek to be heard before listening?
Am I assumptive about the needs of others before asking?
Do I build myself up by pointing out the flaws of others?
Am I selective with the people I choose to love?
Do I compare myself to others?
Am I happy for other peoples’ successes?
Am I happy for my own accomplishments?
Do I talk negatively to and about myself?
Do I talk negatively to and about my spouse (if applicable)?
Am I usually on my phone when I’m around people?
If you answered NO to most of these questions, you are off to a great start. If you answered YES to all, most, or some of these questions, you are in the company of many others who struggle to truly LIVE with LOVE.
In this day and age, we are surrounded by advertising and media falsely marketing that you can be happy if you have this or that. Companies and people make empty promises to hook you in and distract you from the things that matter the most.
People who live aloha can easily recognize and avoid these traps. They recognize that this life isn’t about owning the latest gadgets and clothes. It isn’t about finding the faults of others and living their lives based off an old hurt. Challenges and pains happen to everyone, but those who live aloha have respect for their own personal lives. They live with love, meaning that they breathe love for themselves, for others, and for God. They learn to overcome these obstacles and allow the obstacles to make them stronger.
The challenge, therefore, is simple.
List 5 things that are THE MOST important to you.
Share your list with a trusted friend, and discuss with them why you feel this way. If they feel that your priorities are off, listen and evaluate yourself, referring back to the questions listed above. Ask yourself, do I invest enough time and energy to the things that matter most to me?
Challenge yourself for the next three days with this: For every negative thing you say or think—either about yourself or others—say or think of two positive things to replace the negative. See how long you can keep it up until you are free of negative thoughts.
Make a conscious effort to smile more.
Do something kind for yourself (BONUS if you ask your spouse to help!).
Share Your Story
Every person has a unique story, and we’d love to hear yours! How have you felt while doing this challenge? Was there anything that was challenging to you? Was there anything that truly inspired you? Be sure to share in our Hawaii Vibe Tribe Facebook group or use the hashtag #HIVibe! Replying and commenting on others is also another wonderful way to keep the vibe HI!
Much love,
Lei
Extra: My Story
Staring at the waves as a little girl, I felt so vulnerable. They crashed and crashed, rolling up against my legs and surrounding my ankles with their cool touch. I felt great energy from the water, and I knew that others who visited Hawaii felt the same. There was something so enlightening, so chaotic—and yet so peaceful—about the ocean.
I always thought about the ocean as the best metaphor of my life. In my adult years, it is so fascinating to reflect back on all the things I’ve gone through. My life was crazy and calm. There were moments of deep sadness and moments I felt like I had wings to fly. I experienced painful trauma and I experienced sweet peace.
However, throughout all of it, I remember one thing: I had to live with love. I didn’t adapt the word aloha until my teen years, but I recognized, from an early age, that every person suffers in one way or another. Every person has a story. I also realized that, like the ocean, our stories make us feel vulnerable. They’re unpredictable, beautiful, and ugly all at the same time. But when we truly learn to share our stories and participate in the human experience, giving and receiving love, we learn to live. We learn aloha, to breathe life.
I hope that this challenge will encourage you to start recognizing the things that matter most, and to start prioritizing your life according to those things.
And just a quick tip… I know that taking care of yourself first is crucial to loving others. For the longest time I just gave and gave all the love I could away. I’d go home alone, depressed, and I’d cry a lot. The only people I could turn to as a young adult were my older sister and God. I learned that giving love is wonderful, but you need to receive love too—from God, from others, and, importantly, from yourself. It is a process, but don’t forget to take care of yourself too. We need you. 🙂
When I first met my husband, I was pleasantly surprised at how well we worked together. He always took initiative, made me laugh, and expressed genuine interest in my passions. He always communicated with me, sharing ideas, opinions, and thoughts. Meanwhile, I did the same for him. I knew that if we wanted a strong marriage, there had to be balance between both of us. We haven’t even been married for a year, but everyday I am impressed with principles of lōkahi that help couples become more united, including myself.
Lōkahi is one of my favorite Hawaiian words, meaning unity, oneness, togetherness. Those who practice lōkahi seek peace, compassion, forgiveness, and understanding in their relationships. Whether you are new in a relationship, engaged, or married, here are 10 lovely ways to build lōkahi in your relationship!
1. Talk to one another.
Communication is the biggest key in creating harmony and unity. The silent treatment is a mark of immaturity and selfishness. What is the use in not telling the other person how you feel? Your significant other can’t read your mind—they can feel the vibe, but what can they do if you refuse to speak? The way to building trust is to learn to speak your mind calmly, maturely, and genuinely. Make a commitment now not to raise your voice. You will be surprised at how effective and wonderful communication is when you commit to staying calm and to express love, even when things are controversial.
2. Spend time.
Whether you are doing chores or sitting on the couch together, spending time is a key to building unity. But take note: it isn’t about how much time you spend together, but how you spend your time together. Lōkahi isn’t won through being together yet staring at phone screens, it is built and fostered with love, kindness, creativity, and learning about one another.
3. Go on weekly dates.
They don’t need to be expensive—in fact, they don’t even need to cost money! Go on a hike, walk along the shore, or just take a walk down the street. Make a special dinner together, watch a movie, or do whatever you love. But make it special because it is a date!
4. Do things together: chores, appointments, etc.
Even the mundane stuff can be fun when you choose to do things together. When you cheerfully help your significant other with the “boring” stuff, you are making healthy deposits in their emotional bank deposit (find more about this by reading The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People). You are showing them that you care so much about them, you’re willing to help with even the littlest of things! But, with this comes a warning. Don’t help someone if the purpose is to manipulate or to get “points” that they’ll have to one day repay you. A healthy relationship is built on the tiny, genuine acts of kindness.
5. Try new things.
This is one of the best suggestions from my own experience and from observing others. Trying new things helps you learn more about your loved one, and they learn more about you too! Whether it is traveling to a new place, learning a new skill, trying out a new restaurant, or even just trying out different career options, if you do it together, you will discover things that work beautifully in your relationship, new traditions, and you will have wonderful, shared memories that can last forever.
6. Plan and do workouts together.
Couples who workout together stay together. I heard of a woman who cautioned against going to the gym alone. She said that too many cases of infidelity start with just going to the gym alone, either to get away from a spouse or significant other or to just workout alone. Unfortunately, I’ve seen it firsthand at the gym: married men talking to other women for long amounts of time, or people just flaunting their bodies.
When I used to go to the gym as a young single adult, my favorite thing to see was an older couple using the ellipticals next to eachother. I used to think to myself, that’s right. I’m not saying every married person who goes to the gym alone is sinning. No, not at all! Just be careful, and “avoid the appearance of evil.” If you go to the gym alone, would you be ok if your loved one saw a rerun of your whole gym experience? My husband and I make and do our own workouts, and they are so much fun. Having someone to workout with is greatly motivating and makes the workout go by faster!
7. Create a vision plan or goals.
When you are spiritually on the same page, it makes it easier to be on the same page with everything else. Having the same spiritual goals does a lot to build both of your characters. After you have the same spiritual goals, set goals for other aspects of your life and what you would like to accomplish together.
8. Participate in and support your partner’s hobbies.
Whether they love music, dance, sports, reading, or writing (like me!) take interest in the things that interest them. You don’t have to love it, but if you show genuine interest and learn why they love it, it will help you understand them better. And, in most cases, it will help you like and support their interests better!
9. Surprise them.
Do a random scavenger hunt, plan a surprise date, or do something fun for them that they didn’t expect. YOU will be surprised how much little things like this can mean so much to your loved one!!
10. Express love. Aloha, aloha, aloha….
Above all, aloha is key. Express love for your spouse, fiance, or girlfriend/boyfriend as much as you can. Let them know how much you appreciate them, and how much they mean to you. You may regret being silent, but you will never regret expressing love to someone else. I hope something here will inspire you to build lōkahi in your relationship!
In Hawaii, ‘imi ola means to seek life in its highest form. Throughout my journey of seeking the highest, I chose mentors along the way. As a college student studying in Provo, Utah, I realized that I was incredibly lonely. I didn’t have very many friends, I didn’t have a car, and I didn’t have much money. I had a small vision of what I wanted my life to look like, but I didn’t know how to get there. I knew I needed help, or at least some source of support. I needed someone I could talk to that would give me honest feedback but not belittle me.
To fill my need of help, support, and wisdom, I sought a mentor. I chose one of my BYU professors. With his gentle counsel and wise words, I began to better navigate my journey of school, spirituality, and career. What did I really want to do? Who did I really want to be? He was a published author, popular in the world and popular at the college. He had lived in Hawaii for years, and his ability to relate to my feelings helped me at a time I felt nobody understood. I wanted to be a writer, like him, and his example inspired me to pursue my passions and use God’s help in my life.
Each time I stopped by his room, especially at times when I felt very down, I always left uplifted and edified. He never said anything contrary to the truth, and he had a sense of humor that made me feel better. He was a very spiritual person and helped me keep an eternal perspective.
Having a mentor helped direct me to the path I’ve taken now. I’ve selected a few mentors for the different facets of my life. I have a mentor for my blog, my life decisions, and my spirituality. Robert D. Hales has said, “If you want more than you now have, reach up, not across!” In another article I will share how to pick a mentor, but for now it’s important to know why you should have a mentor. From my experience with mentors, here are the 6 key reasons to have a mentor.
1. You need someone who has taken the path you are taking
No matter how much experience you have in life, sometimes you just need someone who knows how to get where you want to go. Whether you are trying to become someone more spiritual or pursuing a career path, a mentor can help you get there. As I said before, I have mentors to help me improve and get my blog to where I want it to be. I have mentor whom I admire deeply for her spiritual resilience and deep wisdom. They’ve given me information and perspective that helped me reach my goals faster and more efficiently.
2. You need someone who will listen
A mentor listens to everything you have to say. When I talk with my mentors, it feels like I’m blabbing my head off because I know they truly care. Mentors don’t think about what they’re going to say as you speak. They listen and give counsel, answer questions, or offer help if you ask for it. Mentors never impose, they only give the strength and direction when asked.
3. You need a support system
When you feel like giving up, a mentor will be there to encourage, uplift, and edify.
4. You need someone with maturity
Emotions can get in the way of maturity. When someone becomes mixed in emotions, they tend to lean towards immaturity. They tend to be unreasonable. A mentor can help you get through the fog of emotions and face your challenges with maturity.
5. You need someone with perspective
The greatest blessing of my mentors has been the perspective they’ve given me. When they share life experiences, especially those that involve handling stress, overcoming challenges, and strengthening relationships, they have shown me what it took for them to become who they are now. It wasn’t easy, as nothing worth it ever is, but the rich rewards that come from strength of character, honesty, and compassion are treasures no thing can ever replace.
6. You need someone who can give sound advice
My mentors have given me some of the greatest advice I’ve had in life. From counsel on marriage, spirituality, strength of character, and choosing a career, the words and genuine care I’ve received from my mentors continue to inspire me.
If you want help, inspiration, and direction in your life, then look for a mentor. Find someone who can help you along your journey. And remember, always “reach up, not across.”
‘Imi ola means to seek life in its highest form. As we take this journey of learning to balance our lives, we discover that ‘imi ola can help. Seeking life in its highest form means we take action, and that action is learning. If we aren’t learning, how can we improve? How can we discover things we like or don’t like? How can we learn to think for ourselves? How can we seek “life in its highest form?”
Education and learning helps us seek life in its highest form by providing clarity. It can improve our mental health by encouraging our brain to function properly. People who have been through trauma sometimes have a difficult time making connections. I know that several times in my life, the reality of my trauma has hit me hard. At those moments, it was like I hit a mental wall, and the simplest things, like explaining something, talking, or even reading a book became incredibly difficult. It was like I was 2 years old all over again, trying to figure out how to express myself and how to use words.
The thing that saved me was education. Reading books, writing, learning, conversations with teachers and college professors, and doing my best in my classes helped my mind advance far greater and faster than I ever thought possible. My ability to make connections, speak, and write increased. My confidence increased because my knowledge increased.
Education is a key to success
As a young child, I was somewhat disappointed to find out that I would be homeschooled. I really enjoyed Kindergarten. I liked the freedom of leaving home, riding the bus, and being in school. I looked forward to learning, and I loved my teacher, Mrs. Sanders.
Each day, after Kindergarten, I had to go to speech therapy. I had a horrible stutter and I really couldn’t say anything without stuttering for minutes. My little sister came with me because she, too, had speech issues. These therapy sessions were very difficult for me. I felt stupid most of the time, and I wondered if I’d ever stop stuttering. Eventually, I did. But by that time, Kindergarten was over and my parents decided to homeschool us.
I whizzed through the workbooks my parents gave me. I loved science and math, and I loved English and the stories from ancient civilizations. The world fascinated me, and my brain soaked up every bit of knowledge like a sponge.
When I was finally able to go to school, as opposed to being homeschooled, I was a sophomore in high school. I loved school. I loved learning, even when things were hard for me to understand. Science was a weak point, and sometimes English didn’t make sense but I still tried. I wasn’t the brightest student—I got B’s in Math and a C in my AP history class. But I wasn’t about to give up.
Education provides control
My education provided my brain with energy. It became something I could control, because everything else in my life felt out of control. At the time, we lived in a small, homemade house. Our house was in the process of being built, but we were so poor that the neighbors, who owned the property next to ours, offered us to live in their shack while they were on the mainland.
Without running water and electricity, we took baths using the pool water in the backyard and used a generator to charge things. The bathroom was an outhouse on the side of the house, and we cooked food in a box oven or a camping stove. When the generator was running to charge batteries for lights, my siblings and I took turns using the computer. When it was my turn to use the computer, I felt so stressed about wasting gas for the generator that I’d do a poor job of my homework. I eventually never went on the computer because every free minute at school was spent doing homework that was due online.
I worried a lot about food. My mom got a job at local grocery store and brought home clearance items for dinner. I worried a lot about being hungry. I worried about how we were going to get through another week. I worried that my dad was going crazy and my mom was sad. I worried about my siblings and the welfare of their physical, mental, and spiritual health.
But while I worried about all these things, I found power in my education. I knew that if I educated myself and learned as much as I could about the world, then one day my life wouldn’t be like this.
Years later, attending the University of Hawaii at Hilo, I discovered the same thing. Reading literature, studying history, and learning the basic foundations of science and math taught me how the world works, and what it looks like to live a healthy life and have healthy relationships. Participating in deep, rich discussions in my classes helped my brain fog disappear. I studied other cultures, spoke at conferences, worked several part-time jobs, and I read as much as I could about anything. I studied my scriptures and attended church activities with a close friend, balancing my spiritual learning with my temporal learning. All of it helped my brain function at a time it should have just shut down.
As my parents went through an ugly divorce, and the trauma from all of it fogged my brain, I found clarity in learning. Manipulation, toxicity, and lies held no power over knowledge and truth. I knew that with my education, I could process through and above all of the trauma.
Seek for the highest
‘Imi ola means to seek life in its highest form. If we are to seek for life in its highest form, we need to learn what that is and how to get there. Knowledge and learning open the gate to this highest form. I’ve learned what is the highest form and it began with my own diligent search for truth.
Some might read this and say education was a distraction from my problems. I believe that’s true, and I also believe that my education empowered me. It became a pillar of hope for me. My friendships with professors have lasted until this day—they showed me that there are better ways to live. There are better ways to serve and be happy. In my own dark world, it was so difficult for me to see a way out. There were times, in the darkness of my mind, I thought it would be better to just end it all. But the support of my teachers, and the things I learned, helped me see that I could do it.
To bring balance to your life, to empower your brain, and to find hope, start with learning. Read good books, study things that interest you, take notes, record feelings and impressions. If you feel like you don’t have the desire to read, then write. I used to write fantasy novels, and they brought me lots of joy. Writing helps your brain process things. If you don’t have the desire to learn, ask God for the desire. He will help you.
No matter where you are on your journey, seek learning. Whether you decided to read a book, try a new skill, write, or go to class (college or high school), remember that with knowledge, there is power.
I am so grateful for the knowledge I’ve gained through my college career. When I walked with my older sister to receive my diploma, it was much more than a paper. It was literally a life saver. I know that school and “getting an education” may sound old school (get it?), but as I learned to invest time (and money) into it, it paid off, in more ways than one.
E komo mai! 🌺 I am the author of Aloha State of Mind, a self help book that teaches you how to create paradise wherever you are. My blog, Naturally Aloha, focuses on all things Hawaii: culture, values, food, lifestyle, and more. I hope my writing inspires you to carry aloha with you everywhere! Learn more…
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